Schrodinger's Dachshund by Petronius Jablonski

Author:Petronius Jablonski
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2014-04-22T05:00:00+00:00

27: The Segmentarian Treatise

There’s an old blues song about a man who goes to see a gypsy. Her cat licks his eyes, giving him the power to see things no one else can. But he refuses to pay and the gypsy puts a curse on him so that no one believes a word he says. That won’t happen to Gus Sanders. His blog is written is the universal language, the voice of Reason. He rubs a sugar-glazed smear off the computer screen and clicks the bookmark to his new website. The spam email was right. Anyone can set these up. The counter at the bottom marks the passage of 3,467 visitors.

“My time will come,” he tells the empty lobby. Equal parts muse, dictatorial editor, and ecstatic fan, his presumed audience begs him to share his latest discoveries. Unable to abstain from the vicarious pleasure of writers, a bacchanalia with all the beautiful thoughts he’s imparted, he reads some of his earlier entries:

Congratulations on finding this site. A foolish man once said everything happens for a reason. He was probably trying to comfort a child. It’s thanks to blind luck I discovered I was being ripped off each and every day, screwed out of something more precious than money. One moment I was trying to start my infernal, useless LawnMaster Easy-Start Deluxe Mulching Mower (you’d be better off using rusty scissors), then I discovered a terrible and secret crime. I saw firsthand how enormous segments of my time were being devoured.

The culprit is worse than an identity thief and similar to another parasite you’re well-acquainted with. Just like the Government screws you out of half your paycheck, thousands in property taxes, $20 for a pack of cigarettes, and so on until you take it for granted that most of what you earn winds up as protection money paid to a crime family spending it on things you would only consent to after a head injury, huge quantities of time are being bled from you.

This has been occurring for so long and to such an obscene extent that by the time you’re an adult you no longer notice. And just like victims of the Government become apathetic, victims of these sinister entities lose their ability to think clearly. (It’s my theory that some combination of Stockholm syndrome, PTSD, and battered wife syndrome are at play, but more about that later.)

What am I talking about? Look at the following example (for a full list, see my Evidence page). If you live to be seventy you will spend approximately forty-five round-the-clock days cutting the grass. Go fix yourself a drink and think about that. Let it sink in. Acceptance might take a while.

Do you remember consenting to this outrage? Do you have a copy of the contract? What was Mephistopheles wearing when you hawked this portion of your soul? And what did you get in return? What’s that, you’ve never heard the crack of this slave driver’s whip? That’s because of the deafening roar from the exhaust-belching contraption you’re pushing back and forth in the blazing sun.

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