My Devotion by Julia Kerninon

Author:Julia Kerninon
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Europa Editions
Published: 2020-07-19T16:00:00+00:00

That was why, in part, when Günther Merens, a forty-three-year-old architect, proposed to me on our fourth meeting, I immediately accepted. We were in a French restaurant in the antiques quarter, and he proposed while we were waiting for dessert. He did not hide the engagement ring in my food because, as he later explained, he thought that would be ridiculous and he knew I shared his opinion. But I wasn’t sure I found it all that ridiculous, actually. Later I would sometimes recall that detail and conclude that right from the start there had been a misunderstanding between us, in the way Günther had of overestimating our affinities or my compliance with his expectations, but at the time, it is true that I was charmed by the way he claimed to know what I liked, by his deep respect for my intellectual qualities, and by his proposal, which was so sober and dignified. No one had ever treated me like that, regarded me in that way. Spending so much time around you had meant my affairs were mainly with artists or art students—cultured, snobbish, unpredictable, and in no time I began to appear rigid to them—after the initial pleasure of drinking wine and eating shrimp and coconut milk soup in cheap Vietnamese restaurants, I had to return to work and stick to my schedule—hardly compatible with the perpetual fiesta that seemed to make up their daily lives. These arrogant young lovers found my serious nature depressing; I, in exchange, felt oppressed by their light-heartedness. Günther, however, would drive me to Haarlem on weekends to show me around building sites, and I appreciated his rigor, his bright eyes, the spots of faded green ink on the back of his square hands with their neatly-trimmed nails, his habit of picking up a brick here and there on the building sites, or thrusting his whole fist into a sandbag, or tapping a slab of marble with an expert phalanx to test its quality. I liked his punctuality, his calm manner, his indisputably adult behavior, so much so that I could not picture him as a child, as if one day he had suddenly burst from the earth in this finished form, with his chest hairs and silver cuff links. All my life I had been wary of adults, but now for the first time here was one whom I desired with all my heart. I think I loved the image of myself that Günther reflected back to me, that of an educated, reasonable woman, circumspect, cool-headed and full of common sense. I had just turned thirty-seven, my professional life was as ideal as my love life was disastrous, and so I desperately wanted to be that woman he described to me. Perhaps, too, far more simply, I wanted someone to love me.

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