Letters to Lenora by Leila Tualla

Author:Leila Tualla
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Leila Tualla
Published: 2022-04-20T00:00:00+00:00

6: Forgiveness

Dear Lenora,

There is this beautiful bridge at the end of Sulfur St. I use to take you there on our morning walks before we began the rest of our day. There is a playground about half a mile from there, and we’d play there for hours before you tire yourself out. One our way back, I’d stop at the bridge and gaze out into the trees covering the horizon. I’d look below and see the San Jacinto river snake its way around the curves. At this point of the river it’s about three feet deep. There are more rocks and pebbles and debris down there than water. This part of the river has been calling me for years. I know you’ll never understand.

I crumple up the letter and threw it across the room before racing downstairs to where my dad was putting the finishing touches on my birthday cake.

“She committed suicide?” I yell.

He froze.

“Now, Lenny.”

“No. All this time and you never said anything?”

“Baby,”

“No, how could she do that to me? To us? Weren’t we enough?”

I sob that last part out and cover my face. I feel my dad’s tight embrace. His chin rests on top of my head, kissing it before pulling me a way.

“Your mother loved you very much. She loved Ethan and she would never do that to you and us, baby.”

“But she died a day after Ethan was born. How? Why? And then she wrote us these letters saying she was sorry? Sorry for what? For leaving? For not fighting for us.” I’m sobbing, and I know I don’t make sense. Anger and sadness shake me, leaving me breathless and tired.

“Your mom is a fighter, Lenora. She had postpartum depression when you were born because you were born so early. When Ethan was full term, she was excited that he didn’t have to stay in the NICU. She was in a good place when he was born. We were all happy. I took you to meet Ethan in the nursery when I heard the page. She was having seizures and I didn’t know what was happening. One minute we were together and the next, she was gone.”

I feel his arms around me. “Your mom loved you both. Don’t you ever forget that. I think she knew the consequences of having another child but she wanted so much to have another one. You are her both her blessings.”

I feel his arms around me and I still can’t stop crying. Seizures? How is that even possible when you just had a baby?

I didn’t realize I said my thoughts out loud until I hear him. “They told me later that she had postpartum preeclampsia. It’s rare but it happens sometimes. It didn’t help that she had it when she had you. We weighed the risks but she wanted you to have a sibling.”

I feel a tap on my shoulder and I pull away from dad. Ethan hands me the crumbled letter.

“Want to finish reading it?” He asks.

I nod and sit down at the table, and begin again.

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