Jasmine and Fire by Salma Abdelnour

Author:Salma Abdelnour [Abdelnour, Salma]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-88595-1
Publisher: Crown Publishing Group
Published: 2012-06-05T04:00:00+00:00

On Christmas Day in Houston, my parents, my brother, Samir, my sister-in-law Laila, and I go for dinner at my uncle Kamal and aunt Diane’s house. My cousin Edward is in town from London with his wife, Mariah, and their kids. I’m the godmother to all three of them, and I rush up to interrupt them with kisses and hugs as soon as I spot them busily playing with their newly acquired Christmas loot with my cousin Rich and his wife Erin’s two toddlers.

After Christmas dinner, when we’re all sitting around the living room, Edward asks me where I’m staying in New York when I visit, since my Manhattan apartment is sublet. I think for a half-second then decide—here we go—and answer, straight up: “With my boyfriend.”

A moment of silence. Edward gets an intrigued, twinkly look in his eyes. “Anything else you want to tell us?” Uncle Kamal looks over with a half-smile, a hint of paternal anxiety in his face, and asks: “So, this is serious?”

My aunt Diane jumps in. “The girl is happy. Leave her alone!”

Thank you, Auntie Diane. Thank you.

Uncle Kamal, an increasingly worried expression creeping over him, can’t help himself: “I mean, have you two talked about a timetable or anything?”

I try to smile confidently, shake off this question somehow without any words, but an answer stumbles out: “Er, we’re seeing how it goes. Um, I guess we don’t have a timetable or anything.” I pause awkwardly, then call out to my goddaughter, “Hey, Gigi, bring that doll over and let’s braid her hair!”

Later that night as I’m trying to fall asleep, my uncle’s question, a predictable nudge from one of my lovingly nosy older relatives, is running through my head. I start thinking, would it be wise or dumb to bring up the big questions to Richard now: Do you think we have a future? Can you imagine us staying together? Maybe even having kids eventually?

But the truth is, I still don’t know where I’ll wind up after my year in Beirut ends, or if Richard would even want to move there if we stay together. And I still don’t know if I want to have kids. My feelings for Richard do make me consider things I didn’t think I wanted—plus I’m thirty-eight, so if I eventually want children, there aren’t exactly years and years left to ponder the question. But we can’t seem to even bring up the issue of where our relationship is headed, if anywhere, let alone talk about anything more momentous. I’m afraid to scare him with big questions now, especially since I haven’t figured things out for myself yet. Staying close with Richard while I’m in Beirut has been feeling right to me so far, but I still can’t see the endgame from here. So what do I accomplish, and what do I lose, by pressuring him to answer questions about our future and ambushing him with a clock that’s supposedly ticking?

As of now, I’m feeling attached to my life

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