Final Cut : A Novel (2020) by Watson S J

Author:Watson, S J [Watson, S J]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

28

We reach the car. Gavin hands me the camera, wordlessly. Its solidity is reassuring and I hold it in my lap for a moment before pressing Play. The grainy scene resolves; I hear the crunch of a boot. A figure ahead, a woman staring at the gravestones. She steps forward, then bends down.

I know it’s me, but it doesn’t feel real. There’s a disconnection. My body shudders as I touch the stone, then there’s a jerky, vertiginous plummet before the image stabilises. When it does, we’re seeing the same scene but from a lower angle; the camera’s resting on the bench. Then Gavin appears, walking towards me. He crouches beside me, but I make no movement; there’s no sign I’ve even noticed. He holds out his hand to help me up, then together we walk back towards the camera, me in front, him following mutely behind.

I press Stop and put the device on the dashboard in front of me.

‘It’s what you wanted,’ says Gavin. ‘Isn’t it?’

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what he saw, how much he heard. I’ve stopped crying but, even so, my eyes must be ringed with red.

‘Are you okay?’

I’m leaving her again. Out here in the cold, in the dark, loamy earth. Just like I left Geraldine. And Alice. And Aidan, though that was more a gradual drift.

And Daisy. I left her, too. I turn to Gavin.

‘I’m fine.’ I start the engine. ‘Let’s go.’

I park at the top of the village. The silence fans out like thick, black smoke.

‘I’m here for you,’ he says after a while. ‘If you want to talk about it.’

He means it. He wants to help me. It’s not about me being in his debt. It’s not about him wanting to rescue me again, like that first night. It’s not like it was on the streets, people who wanted to help but only to make themselves feel good. Dare to deny them the opportunity, dare to tell them you’re fine, you don’t need anything right now, and they’re not pleased for you. Suddenly, you can go to hell. They’ve done their bit and you’re an ungrateful bitch throwing it back in their face.

‘Where had you been?’ I say. ‘That time you found me on the road. The night we met?’

‘What d’you mean?’

‘You told me you’d been with Bryan.’

He hesitates, just for a second. ‘I had.’

‘He says not. Why would he do that?’

‘I don’t know.’

I realise I want to believe him. ‘I know you want to help,’ I say softly. ‘But tell me the truth.’

‘I hadn’t been with him,’ he says cautiously. ‘Not exactly. I’d seen him. In the pub. I was on my own.’ He glances up. ‘But it amounts to the same thing. I knew he couldn’t have been driving the car that didn’t stop.’

I say nothing.

‘You believe me?’

‘Yes.’

‘What can I do? To help?’

‘Did she tell you how Sadie’s mum died?’

He seems confused for a moment then realises I mean the woman with the baby.

‘No.’

He’s quiet for a minute, but I can tell he wants to say something else.

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