Doctor Whom or ET Shoots and Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Parodication by Adam Roberts

Author:Adam Roberts [Roberts, Adam]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: Fiction, Humorous, Satire, English language
ISBN: 9780575079281
Publisher: Gollancz
Published: 2006-09-20T22:00:00+00:00

Linn was despondent for a few moments, and then she rallied herself. ‘Hey! We don’t need him. D’you know what I think? There’s bound to be all the equipment we need right here, in the control centre. I mean, this is where you’d leave it, don’t you think? If you needed it?’

‘I suppose so,’ I agreed.

Linn went over to the central control panel and opened a little door in its side. ‘Aha! First place I look!’ she exclaimed, delighted. She reached in and pulled out a helmet. It looked a little like a deep-sea-diver’s helmet: a metal globe a little larger than an average adult human head, with a small glass screen in the front. ‘I knew it!’ she declared, sounding very pleased with herself. ‘I knew there’d be something!’

‘Will it fit?’ I asked.

‘It’s exactly the right size. I wonder if it comes with, you know, oxygen tanks and such?’

‘According,’ I observed, reading from the side of the helmet, ‘to this little plaque on the side it’s all integrated into the device. Self contained air supply, water and even food. Nutrition Pap Brand three-five-one-one, apparently. Your Time Gentleman Breathing and Life Support Equipment is Guaranteed for One Thousand Years. Sounds just the ticket.’

‘Doesn’t it just?’ she agreed. She reached back inside the cupboard and pulled out an identical-looking helmet. ‘Here you go - one for you too.’

‘You don’t think,’ I said, hesitantly, ‘that the thousand-year guarantee has expired, or anything?’

‘Nonsense,’ she returned. ‘They look positively brand new.’

I peered at the helmet in my hands. It was certainly a gleaming item, undusty and unscuffed. ‘I suppose you’re right.’

‘Right,’ said Linn, in a matter-of-fact voice. ‘This is what I suggest. We put these on. We pop outside, have a look around, and hopefully work out what needs to be done to straighten the timeline here - find that sign, insert the apostrophe. It’ll be good practice for me, and we can sort it all out before the Doctor even wakes up from his afternoon nap.’

‘If you’re sure that’s a good idea—’

‘Of course I am! Can you imagine his face when we come back? Look Doctor, we sorted it all out whilst you were napping! Ha-ha!’

‘Well,’ I said, uncertainly. ‘OK.’ I lifted up my helmet ready to put it on. Linn did the same.

Then something peculiar happened. In the split-second before I dropped the helmet over my cranium, Linn disappeared.

One minute she was there, and the next she had vanished. Completely vanished ! I opened my mouth to shout in surprise, but my fingers at that precise moment let go of the helmet to drop it onto my shoulders. I barely had time to cry out.

Then everything went black.

The next thing I knew was an enormous crash and an earthquake-like shudder that knocked me from my feet. I’d like you to imagine - if you’ll indulge me - a large warehouse built of reinforced steel girders and iron cladding, with a huge metal domed roof; and that this warehouse had then, somehow, been

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