Brave Lotus Flower Rides the Dragon by Tracy Todd

Author:Tracy Todd
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Jonathan Ball Publishers
Published: 2017-01-11T14:39:09+00:00

15

A NEED TO THROW THINGS

The landline rang on the little table beside me. My eyes darted from the telephone to the passage. I expected Rebecca, the care assistant on duty, to come running through to help me answer it. I listened for her footsteps. The ringing was loud and continuous. A glance at the wall clock confirmed that it was just after ten. There’s little more irritating than the ringing of a telephone when you can’t answer it.

“Rebecca,” I called. “The telephone is ringing.”

Ring. Ring. Ring.

I wondered who was waiting on the other end. Was it important? Something to do with Chad?

What was taking her so long? I clenched my jaw.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

I was about to yell when Rebecca rushed into the room, stepping over Sheba and Jason who were sprawled out on the carpet, seeking relief from the heat of the day.

The telephone stopped ringing.

“What took you so long?” My voice was sharper than I intended.

“I was ironing,” she snapped back, glaring at me.

The tension between us had been building over a few days. Scared I’d say something I’d regret, I bit my tongue. I wished I could just walk away and slam the door behind me. There’s something liberating about slamming a door shut in mid-argument. I know the act itself shows a lack of control, but it does make you feel that you’re in charge of the outcome.

I remember roaring off in my car after an argument with Craig before we were married. Flight offered an instant release, even if I came to a screeching halt at the very next intersection. The intensity of the emotion, added to the adrenalin inspired by an act of reckless irresponsibility – roaring off behind the wheel of a powerful engine – can lend one such a sense of conviction. I wanted to roar off in my wheelchair sometimes, but the damn thing was simply too slow to achieve the same result.

I missed being able to go for a long, hard run to rid myself of pent-up frustration. Sweat had once dissolved my destructive emotions. Exercise always effectively cleared my head, calmed me down and brought back the capacity for rational thought. The burning in my lungs and the pain in my muscles helped me to refocus and redirect that negative energy. These days the only exercise I got was pushing my luck.

One of the most difficult emotions I have to deal with is unspeakable frustration. It’s amazing how little things can build up over time. I’m a painful perfectionist and always preferred to do things myself. It drives me insane if the pictures on my walls are not aligned or are hanging skew. I’ve struggled to retrain my brain, but how do you change your personality? A breeze that annoyingly blows my hair into my eyes and mouth can feel like torture. The lazy fly that incessantly flies into my face and sits on my lips is enough to drive me mad. The itch on my head or the drip of my nose can bring tears of frustration.

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