Ashamed No More by Ryan T. C.;Wangerin Walter Jr.;

Author:Ryan, T. C.;Wangerin, Walter, Jr.; [Ryan, T. C.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: InterVarsity Press
Published: 2012-06-21T05:00:00+00:00

There’s so much more therapy has taught me. And I’m not done using therapy to help me maintain what I’ve recovered and keep growing.

In addition to therapy, I used six tools that helped me in my struggle to become free and healthy.

Reading and learning. I pursued authors and speakers who knew about compulsive sexual behaviors and spiritual struggles. I read books by Patrick Carnes, Mark Laaser and Craig Nakken.[2] I read the Big Book and equivalent manuals for Sexaholics Anonymous and Sexual Compulsives Anonymous.[3] I read articles and pursued learning about addiction cycles and what makes for healthy recovery. Valid information was essential to help me discover faulty thinking and confront false convictions with authentic truth. Good and healthy reading was helpful in changing patterns in my mind.

Recovery groups. I attended and participated in Twelve Step recovery groups for people struggling with compulsive sexual behaviors. This was an intimidating step to take, and honestly I don’t know that I would have had the guts if Pam had not made it clear that this was essential, not only for my recovery, but for any possibility of us making it as well. I’ve not said a great deal about Pam’s role in my recovery because I want to respect the boundaries of her privacy. But she has been and continues to be a remarkably courageous and loving partner to me. While the pain and costs I’ve brought to her are among my life’s most difficult consequences, the unflagging faithfulness and genuine love she has consistently shown me are among my life’s greatest gifts.

The night I attended my first recovery meeting I was scared simply walking into the room. At that time the group I attended met in a moldy, dingy back room that had to be entered off an alley. For that first meeting, I had to find the alley, the loading dock by the dumpster, the single light hanging out over the door. Gulping hard, I opened the door, walked through a bunch of stacked junk and opened another door. There were fifteen normal-looking people sitting in gray, metal folding chairs in a circle. No coffee awaited; we wouldn’t get coffee until we moved to a different location—the AA room in the local Unity church.

Groups were a huge factor in helping me with my struggles. I told my story. I heard other people’s stories. I found out over and over again that I was not alone. I was experiencing a piece of genuine community. I learned the protocols: Start with “Hi, my name’s Tom, and I’m a recovering sex addict,” which is met with “Hi, Tom.” Don’t jump in and speak directly to each other during the sharing (that’s called cross-talk). Recite the Serenity Prayer at the beginning of each meeting and the Lord’s Prayer at the end. And join in other ways of doing AA meetings. No last names; anonymity was protected. For nine years, attending public groups were key to me keeping my oars in the water.

In group meetings and the conversations afterward, I avoided identifying myself as a preacher.

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