Abysmal: A Black Diamond Novel by Marie Ann

Author:Marie Ann [Ann, Marie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2023-08-07T16:00:00+00:00

SIXTEEN

GAVIN

I’ve never had so many thoughts churning in my mind at once. Each one is a battering ram, heavy and jarring.

Zevryn and his panic attack. The way I was utterly fucking useless as he was lost inside his own torturous mind. I knew he’d seen things, experienced even worse, but hearing it all while he was so lost…

It fucking killed me that I couldn’t help him. But I was smart enough to accept that it wasn’t about me and remember who could help him.

Dr. Weaver remained calm as she eased Zevryn through his panic attack. Each heavy breath he took centered him a bit more until some of the fog lifted, and left in its place was glassy terror.

I remained by his side through it all, holding him in my lap as he tried so desperately to hurt himself, unaware he was even doing it.

It was torturous, sitting on the other side of Dr. Weaver’s door, listening to Zevryn. I couldn’t hear most of their conversation, but the snippets I did manage to catch told me enough. And while I felt slightly guilty for trying to eavesdrop, it wasn’t enough to stop me.

About his mom and his new revelation with her death. Hearing the few, distorted sentences of his newfound understanding made my heart leap from my chest with pride. The way he’s working so hard through all of his trauma… Fuck. He’s amazing. Even the way he handled his panic attack with such strength is admirable.

But hearing him explain our connection liquified something inside of me. Something once deep and unforgiving now raw and exposed.

According to the good ol’ doc, I’m not good for Zevryn. Or, at least, our relationship isn’t. Hearing that brought forth a bout of anger I didn’t expect, but I have no right to be pissed off or even defensive. Not when I know how wrong this is.

But is it wrong when it’s never felt more right?

I’ve found something within myself in Zevryn. A fragment I’ve snuffed out for years as I put work above all else.

The irony isn’t lost on me that a job I took, resulting in betraying my husband, is what brought me to my truth.

I need to be needed. Desired. Cherished and depended on. Zevryn gives all of that to me and so much more. When he lets go, he gives me his pain, his burdens and tragedies, and while we’re together, he lets me bear the brunt so he can be free. Weightless and untouchable—exactly how he’s meant to be.

But the boy is still healing the lost, broken parts of himself, and I’m terrified my involvement will only end badly for him.

I can endure the pain of our inevitable end, but what if he can’t? What if he’s still too fragile and vulnerable?

And then there’s Milo… Our last conversation was brief and… conclusive. We didn’t discuss anything of importance, but it wasn’t a good conversation either. I’d started, ready to spill everything, but something held me back—respect for him and our marriage, ironically.

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