50 Things Liberals Love to Hate by Mike Gallagher

Author:Mike Gallagher
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Threshold Editions

25 Babies

My little miracle fetus

Walk around any lefty hipster neighborhood—Austin or Ann Arbor, Brooklyn or Berkeley—and the first thing you’ll notice are the baby strollers.

Liberals like expensive strollers—and I mean expensive, in the two-thousand-dollar range, more than you’d pay for a solid used American car. UppaBaby makes a line complete with mosquito netting, presumably for those leisurely walks along the Amazon. And a suspension system that one would expect from a Range Rover, perhaps for off-road adventures with the newborn.

As you walk around the left-wing monoculture enclaves, you’ll see guys in scarves and important jeans pushing these contraptions around, and young moms with yoga mats and tight-fitting tights hovering around the baby inside, asking frantically “Caleb? Caleb? Would you like the rest of this turkey wrap? Would you?”

Soon little Caleb and Shiva will be Prius-ing off to progressive preschool—motto: “We don’t teach them how to read; we teach them how to knit”—and before you know it, they’ll be playing scoreless soccer and fretting about climate change.

Who says liberals don’t love kids? They adore kids! They swaddle them up in pricey strollers, feed them organic food, send them to coddling schools, and in general carry them around in baskets until the little angels are ready to head off to college, where they’ll learn all about Contemporary Transgendered Poetry and how to arrange a schedule to be able to sleep until noon each day and get Mondays and Fridays off.

Liberals love kids. It’s babies they’re not so crazy about.

Especially the inconveniently unborn kind.

The unborn baby is currently the most troublesome and despised character on the liberal horizon. This little creature can’t win: If he’s born, he’ll condemn his mother to poverty and increase the population (liberals are always worried about population growth, though it takes a whole lot of babies to pay for the entitlements and social state they so adore, let alone to perpetuate civilization). But if he or she is disposed of in anything less than a taxpayer-sponsored facility—that is, some kind of grim “back alley”—well, then, that poor girl is going to die of sepsis, or worse.

The idea that there’s someone to adopt and care for the baby, that there’s another way—a more humane, caring, compassionate, and life-affirming way—is just not part of the decision tree.

The only solution, for liberals, is to make abortion safe, legal, and taxpayer-funded. You got a problem with that? Hey! Why do you want to kill Mom?

Here’s the heart of the problem: Babies confuse liberals. On the one hand, they represent what every believing far-lefty thinks about people in general: that they’re helpless, incontinent, and not very smart. They need supervision. They need to be under the control of a—we hope—benign leader.

On the other hand, thinking about babies, especially the inconveniently not-yet-born kind, brings on a lot of complicated political baggage.

For instance, as economist Steven D. Levitt has shown, the rise in abortions among the African-American community since Roe v . Wade had a corresponding—and positive—effect on crime rates in the inner city. What

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