3xt by Harry Turtledove

Author:Harry Turtledove [Turtledove, Harry]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Science Fiction, Anthology
ISBN: 9780743488358
Amazon: B00AP9CIM4
Barnesnoble: B00AP9CIM4
Goodreads: 101590
Publisher: Baen
Published: 2004-07-01T04:00:00+00:00

THE BORING BEAST

Lest unwary readers reckon this story the product of a diseased mind, they should know it is the product of two. My longtime friend Kevin R. Sandes must bear his full share of responsibility for its contents; so must the Anheuser-Busch Corporation. I don’t normally compose surrounded by potables. This once, it seemed to work.

An excerpt, O Prince, from an ancient chronicle:

A brisk westerly breeze drove the galley Wasteful into the port of Zamorazamaria. At the Wasteful’s helm stood Condom, the Trojan, one massive fist clamped round the wheel. The other clutched a skin of wine. Six feet and a span in height, he would have been taller yet had the fickle gods favored him with a forehead. Only a leather kilt hid his bronze skin and bulging thews from the sun. His hide was crisscrossed with scars, all too many of them self-inflicted.

A sudden roll spoiled his aim, spilling wine over his face and down his lantern jaw. Muttering an oath, he groped for a rag—and the ship’s ram crunched into the side of a beamy merchantman tied up at a Zamorazamarian quay.

Condom took in the situation with one fuddled glance. “Back oars!” he bellowed. The ram pulled free, and the merchantman, a six-foot hole torn in her flank, promptly began to sink. Her crew scrambled like fleas on a drowning dog, cursing and screaming and diving over the side.

“What’s going on here?” shrilled Captain Mince, emerging from his cabin. “How is a person to sleep with this crashing about? Why, I was thrown clear out of my hammock, and I ripped my new culottes.” He fingered the pink silk regretfully. The cries of the foundering ship’s sailors drew his gaze. “Condom, how clumsy of you!” he exclaimed, slapping the barbarian’s muscly buttocks.

“Captain, I told you I’d break your arm if you did that again.”

“You know I despise rough trade. Let’s see if we can’t give these dears some help, shall we?”

While Mince bickered with the dripping, furious merchants, his crew, Condom among them, roared into the dives and brothels of the decaying harbor district. The Trojan got hopelessly lost in the twisting back streets of Zamorazamaria. He put his faith in his innate barbarian instincts. Stepping up to the first man he saw, he wrapped an overmuscled arm round the fellow’s neck and growled, “Tell me where the nearest grogshop is before I tear your head off!”

The man’s mouth moved soundlessly. His hands scrabbled at Condom’s flexors. The mighty warrior loosed his grip a trifle. Gasping, the man wheezed, “The Lusty Widow is two doors down. Its name is spelled out right in front.”

Condom could not read six different languages. “Thanks, bud!” he said, giving his benefactor a slap on the back that sent him reeling into the curbside offal. Condom swaggered down the street until, with the keen-honed senses of the barbarian, his nose caught the sweet scent of beer.

Shaking his square-cut mane of black hair from his dull blue eyes, he strode into the tavern and threw himself into a chair.

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