21 Days to a Great Marriage by Henry Cloud

Author:Henry Cloud
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: ebook, book
Publisher: Thomas Nelson
Published: 2010-05-21T00:00:00+00:00

DAY 11 Cherish Your

Healthy Differences

You are now at the halfway point in your journey to a great marriage. Do you feel accomplished? Are you more confident and hopeful than when you began? Still skeptical or doubtful? You’ve come this far, so you may as well press on through the second half. We are confident that you will be glad you did.

Everyone has been around a couple so alike that they seem to be two sides of the same coin. Their interests, personalities, views, and even clothing styles are in sync. However, even “twinnish” partners are different from each other in some ways. That’s the nature of individuality. Individuals are intricately designed and formed (Psalm 139:13-14). God created us to be different and unique, not cookie-cutter copies.

Immature love seeks sameness and similarity. That’s why partners are often first attracted to each other by similar interests, likes, dislikes, and preferences. But as the relationship develops, mature love should supplant immature love. Instead of being threatened by your differences, you grow to enjoy them. Your life and perspective are enhanced and stretched by your partner’s varying views and experiences.

Decidedly Different Strokes

Couples are different in a lot of ways. Here are just a few examples.

Feelers and thinkers. The feeler lives in emotion first and analyzes later, whereas the thinker lives in a world of logic. Often the feeler is perceived as childish and the thinker as grown up. But feelers can also be mature, highly responsible adults who simply have an emotional nature.

Extroverts and introverts. The extrovert draws energy from being around people, while the introvert gravitates toward solitude and fewer social contacts.

Active types and reflective types. Some people are into aggression and initiative, such as preferring vacations of adventure, exploration, and risk. Others are quieter and would rather relax, more into lazing away free time in a hammock reading a novel.

Nurturing a great marriage includes encouraging, appreciating, and connecting with each other’s differences. When you support the individual styles and preferences of your spouse, he will feel great value, love, and understanding from you.

Be aware of the tendency to make your own opinions and style a moral issue. There is no one “right way” between differences such as thinkers and feelers. As a couple, do not tolerate moralizing the styles of either of you, but move toward accommodating them. Stay open, appreciative, and even protective of your partner’s individuality.

Get Rid of Destructive Differences

Certain types of differences that are not just matters of style or preference are actually problems, and they cause negative things to happen in relationships. Destructive differences are not the same as style differences. They come out of a person’s brokenness, baggage from the past, immaturity, or character issues. Healthy, growing couples will always have style differences, but they will have a minimum of destructive differences.

Here are several differences that are destructive in a marriage: detachment, irresponsibility, control, criticism and judgment, manipulation, self-centeredness, rage, guilt messages, deception, addictions, and violence. And here are some ways to identify these destructive differences:

They cut off love and trust.

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