Your Blueprint for Pleasure by Jaiya

Author:Jaiya
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Union Square & Co.
Published: 2023-12-05T00:00:00+00:00

A SEXUAL GRAVEYARD: ONE ROUTE TO AROUSAL

We want you to have many ways in which you can be aroused and find sexual satisfaction. Instead of one route to your orgasm, what if you had thousands?

What happens, though, when a fantasy or a taboo turn-on becomes the only route to pleasure?

In my clinical experience, this once novel expression eventually becomes a rut, and then a grave. It forms a neural highway in your brain and cuts off other pathways to pleasure. And this can become distressing.

“I can’t get turned on by anything else! I’ll never find a woman who will understand this.” Billie was sobbing in my office, in a lot of distress. “Seriously, there is nothing else that turns me on like this, and I can’t admit it to anyone.”

The “this” Billie was referring to was his desire to wear women’s stockings. He not only had deep shame around this kink, which only made the turn-on higher by making it more taboo, he had fixated on wearing stockings during self-pleasure for over twenty years. His turn-on had become a grave. He had no access to other forms of arousal.

There was nothing wrong with his turn-on—wearing women’s stockings can feel delicious and, for someone who identified as a man, kinky or taboo. But Billie had lost conscious choice over his own arousal; he could no longer connect to the wide variety of other turn-ons available to him. Compounded by his shame, the belief that no one could love him if they knew his secret desires had left him in a state of hopeless distress.

But what if a turn-on is so taboo that there isn’t a healthy way to express it? For example, wanting to override the boundaries of others, causing physical harm to someone, or using hard and highly addictive drugs to enhance the sexual experience. Your desire for it may increase and become more deeply ingrained. The more ingrained it is, the higher the unhealthy turn-on becomes. The shame and hiding may increase, which then drives more craving.

I think many people can relate to this when it comes to attraction to someone we know isn’t good for us. The sex is great! The attraction is irresistible! But we know it’s a toxic relationship. Staying in that relationship is unhealthy, yet we keep going back for more and more. It’s like a drug that we know is going to make us feel bad the next day and have a detrimental effect on our lives, yet we can’t resist it.

However, if you have a primary taboo turn-on, healthy ways to experience and express it, and lovers in your life who don’t desire more from you, then there’s nothing wrong with a singular route to pleasure. Just stay alert so you’ll be aware when this singular path to turn-on and satisfaction moves into the Shadow side.

Ending this self-fulfilling downward spiral requires shining a light into the Shadows, accepting that your desires are normal and finding ways to express them healthfully and consensually. If

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