YOU SPIN ME by Karen Grey

Author:Karen Grey [Grey, Karen]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781734833096
Publisher: HOME COOKED BOOKS

Anya’s concern picks at me the way I used to pick at scabs when I was little. Rough spots drive me nuts, whether they’re on my skin or parts of my day. I do what I can to smooth things out, so when I see her later, I apologize for being short and reassure her again that I’m fine.

I almost tell her my past history with weight loss, but that’d make her worry. Unnecessarily.

When I was a teenager, in addition to my academic challenges, I struggled with the changes my body was going through. Well, “struggled” is probably too tame a word. Ballet was my first love, and you could say we had a pretty fucked-up relationship. So I hated the changes, especially the breasts that seem to get bigger by the day. I tried to stop them from growing by taking in fewer and fewer calories. I got thinner, but while the boob growth slowed a bit, it didn’t work. I no longer had the proportions of a ballerina.

I auditioned for Ballet Boston anyway, hoping that my talent would outshine my shape, but despite trying three times, I never made it into their apprentice program. Other girls from my studio did. I was as good as they were, I worked as hard or harder, but unlike the naturally lean girls, I eventually had to accept that I’d never be able to pursue a career as a professional dancer.

The third rejection letter sent me into a spiral that ended in hospitalization, force-feeding and a psychiatrist accusing my parents of neglect. The whole thing almost broke my mom and dad, and I’ll never forgive myself for the hurt they suffered. It was bad enough that I felt like a failure. They didn’t have to join me.

Anorexia was the diagnosis, but it never felt right to me. I didn’t have the same thought patterns as the other girls in group therapy. I actually like food. Not eating was a poorly-thought-out attempt to return my body to its original shape. I wasn’t trying to control my universe.

I probably should’ve lobbied for a breast reduction instead. I still think about trying to do that, but I don’t have the money. Even though lots of my friends got nose jobs at sixteen, my parents said no to plastic surgery for me.

It took a few years, but I was finally able to make peace with dance and bring her back into my life as a friend. Granted, she can be a harsh and overly critical companion. When I look in the mirror, I’m never happy with what I see, and dance concurs. We both miss the beautiful lines of preadolescent Jessica too much.

But I’m not anorexic. I’m not restricting calorie intake. I’m just running around so much that sometimes I literally don’t have time to eat properly. I probably do need to work on that now that the show has opened.

I’m still wrestling with these worries Sunday night when Bella comes over. My preoccupation must be

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