Words That Hurt, Words That Heal, Revised Edition by Joseph Telushkin

Author:Joseph Telushkin
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2019-01-28T16:00:00+00:00

Ambrose concludes: “He never hazed again, and as an adult he never shamed a man (further, he put the military hero George Patton on probation, postponed Patton’s promotion to general, and ordered him to publicly apologize, specifically because Patton had humiliated and slapped a soldier suffering from shell-shock and battle fatigue, and called the man a coward).”13

Finally, remember that it is when you are most upset that you need to consider your words most carefully. Admittedly, thinking about the consequences of what you say before you say it is particularly difficult at such a time. Rabbi Judah the Prince was so bothered by the smell of garlic that he didn’t reflect on the shame that his words might inflict on the person who had eaten it. But while Rabbi Judah was justified in being annoyed at the student’s garlic breath, the “punishment” inflicted by his sharp words would have far outweighed the victim’s “crime.” A more compassionate response might have been to mention the garlic, announce a five-minute break, and ask all the students to wash out their mouths.

An ancient Jewish text asks us to take care not to humiliate others even in far-fetched cases: “If someone was hanged in a person’s family, don’t say to him, ‘Hang up this fish for me,’” lest you trigger that distressful memory or remind others who are present of the shameful event.14 If we are supposed to be morally vigilant even in such a remote case, how much more careful should we be not to publicly mock someone’s bad breath, acne, or lack of good looks.

If you have humiliated another person, of course you should apologize to him or her. But the far more moral thing to do is to exercise restraint before you inflict shame, for the greatest remorse and the best will in the world never can erase your words. You can do everything possible to try to minimize their impact, but unfortunately, that is all you can do.

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