Why Mummy's Sloshed by Gill Sims

Author:Gill Sims
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2020-08-17T22:37:19+00:00

Sunday, 26 May

I. Am. Broken. Normally, the utterance of these words on a Sunday indicates that I had a very good Saturday night, possibly involving Patrón XO Cafe tequila and dancing on tables doing my finest rendition of Kate Bush’s ‘Wuthering Heights’ (I’ve made up my own dance routine for it, which personally I feel is an improvement on Kate Bush’s. She just waved her arms around a lot, while mine is a great deal more interpretive, as I mime trying to get in windows and how coooooold I am. Colin said ‘improvement’ wasn’t necessarily quite the word he’d have used, but it was definitely ‘different’).

However, I spent my entire Saturday night completely stone-cold sober, without so much as a SNIFF of a nice cold Sauv Blanc to get me through it. This is because this weekend was the much anticipated Visit from Little Edward. I’d promised Hannah that it would ‘be fine’, and ‘It will be fine’ proved to be famous last words, for FML, Edward is, indeed, ‘spirited’. It didn’t help, of course, that I’d forgotten just how utterly relentless toddlers are, that they need to be busy every single second of the day and virtually the only currency you can deal in to try to buy their compliance is refined sugar, so obviously that backfires every time you beg them to just do as you ask and then they can have a ‘nice sweetie’.

Hannah dropped him off mid-morning, wreathed in smiles and gratitude.

‘I’m wearing Spanx,’ she whispered as she handed him over. ‘I’ve even got mascara on. On both eyes! Oh my God, Ellen, I can’t thank you enough. We’re going to have such a lovely night, just Charlie and me. You really are the best friend ever.’

‘Why are you wearing Spanx?’ I said. ‘This weekend is about you recharging your batteries, not glamming up for Charlie?’

‘It’s not for Charlie, it’s for me! I never thought wearing Spanx would be a luxury, but to wear knickers that it will take me five minutes just to wriggle out of when I go for a wee is a novel sensation. And they make my dress look better! It’s wonderful to look in the mirror and not see my bulges in leggings. I feel like a proper grown-up again.’

‘Well, have a fabulous weekend being a grown-up, but for God’s sake don’t get carried away and get yourself knocked up again,’ I warned her. ‘I’m not taking two of them. I’m a good friend, not a bloody idiot!’

‘Oh no!’ said Hannah firmly. ‘I’ve got condoms, and femidoms, and I’m on the Pill, and I did try to get a coil fitted too, but they said there was no need if I was on the Pill, and I couldn’t very well explain that I seemed to have given birth to Chucky and I wanted to be 100 per cent certain that there was no chance of any such thing ever happening again. Anyway, give me a call if there’s any emergencies, but I’m sure you’ll be fine.

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