Why Don’t They Cry by Zander Sprague

Author:Zander Sprague
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Paradiso Press

Story of Jack

One of the unique cases I came to face-to-face with after opening a workshop for other sibling survivors was that of Jack. Jack was a middle child of three. He was twenty-two years old when his older sister passed away. With Jack’s family background, the oldest child was trained to take on many responsibilities. The oldest child was expected to do many things. It was a part of the cultural history of Jack’s family.

The oldest child was talked to on a daily basis to help them understand their roles. Stories were told, and examples were drilled into their minds which helped them understand what their position was going to be as the oldest child. Now, all of a sudden, at the age of twenty-two, Jack had to learn all of these things from scratch. He had spent most of his life oblivious to certain things. After his sister’s death, his parents turned to him and said, “You’re the oldest now, and you need to be doing these things from now on.” The transition was shocking for Jack, and he even told me how challenging it was for him to accept this. It was culturally expected of Jack, now being the oldest, there were many responsibilities he didn’t previously have.

Now, Jack would be expected to be there to take care of his parents as they age. It was now his responsibility to be the one who would show his younger brother how to go out and do things in the world. Jack told me that this was a tough transition for him, especially in the first five years because he did not have any expectations of the role of the eldest sibling before, and now, he was not familiar with these duties. He had not been what we would call “trained.” He was raised differently than his elder sibling had been and now suddenly, his parents were placing all of these responsibilities on him.

Jack felt as if his parents were not very understanding. They just assumed that he knew what to do. Jack was finally able to find his voice and say, “I understand and accept the responsibilities that I now have. However, I need some help because I haven’t had any training in how to do this. I sort of know, but I’m not sure.” So, he sat down with his parents, and they talked about what these expectations were. Jack pushed back on some of it. There were some things he was not able to accept, and some of that, I think, was due to the cultural difference. His parents were first-generation immigrants who had grown up with a belief system that they brought from the country they immigrated from into the United States. Jack had grown up in the United States, where there are perhaps fewer expectations as compared to his parents’ people back at home.

Jack told me that it had been ten years since his sister died and that he sort of negotiated with his parents about what he was willing to do and what he wasn’t.

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