Where I End by Sophie White

Author:Sophie White
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781915290052
Publisher: Tramp Press

12.

After I try to feed from it, I cannot get rid of the uneasy sense that I have allowed something in that will not be easily purged. I stand at the sink skinning the veg, a pot is coming to the boil and I am listening to the wall. Today it is hissing in exasperation at me. It says I am stupid to expect anything from the bed-thing. It’s two hours since I released her from my mouth’s grip, her decrepit breast flopping. Two hours have passed but if I try, I can still feel the withholding nipple probing me, intruding on my body. My tongue laps at the memory of the teat, my lips drawn down over my teeth, working at the bumpy surround – trying to draw something from this mother-carcass. Even though I was the one to place myself on her, I feel angry at her. If she were not so still and useless, I would not be this way.

If she were not so empty, I would be full. I would be boiled pink with love like Rachel’s baby. Instead I am an echo.

The steam from the now-boiled pot spreads across the ceiling above me. I pull it away from the heat and pour some into a cup. I debate my choices. It’ll hurt, but I have to be rid of her.

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