Whatever Next?: Lessons from an Unexpected Life by Anne Glenconner

Author:Anne Glenconner [Glenconner, Anne]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781529395754
Publisher: Hodder & Stoughton
Published: 2022-11-16T21:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER FIVE

Mother

ONE OF THE hardest roles in my life has been as a mother. It has taught me a great deal about love, suffering, redemption, gratitude and grace. I’ve learned how lucky I could be, as well as how much I could endure.

I was blessed to be the mother of five amazing children, and I buried two of them while caring for my third son as he recovered from a terrible head injury. To anyone who is suffering through anything similar I send my love and prayers. I understand just how desperate the depths of grief can be.

My children have also been the source of the greatest happiness in my life. Though I lost Charlie and Henry, I now get to love their children and grandchildren. Christopher has gone on to lead a full and happy life, and my twin daughters, Amy and May, make me incredibly proud every day. I am so glad to have had them at my side during my new life as an author.

I’ve always loved children and loved being a mother, a grandmother, and now feel very lucky to be a great-grandmother. Family is deeply important to me, the bedrock of my existence. Now that I am watching my own children and grandchildren parent, it has made me try to see afresh the whole wonderful, messy, painful and happy experience of motherhood.

This has not always been easy for me. Losing Charlie and Henry has often made me focus on what went wrong, and the impulse to punish myself for mistakes is strong. I learned that for my own survival I had to fight against that impulse. I wish I could go back and do things differently, but I can’t and nothing I can do will change that. My faith has taught me to forgive others and myself, and that has led to an acceptance that has made it possible for me to love life again after losing Charlie and Henry. At times I have been very angry, and at times the sadness has been overwhelming, but the love of my surviving children and my friends has taught me to treasure my memories, and think of the laughter and joy I shared with my boys rather than the pain of losing them. Writing about Charlie and Henry in Lady in Waiting and again here, especially about their deaths, has left me in floods of tears, but I hope that my story shows it is possible to survive even these terrible events and celebrate those we have lost, their legacy, and all our happy memories.

I had Charlie when I was still very young in 1958 having got pregnant on our honeymoon. I hadn’t yet learned how to deal with Colin at all. It was, to say the least, a difficult start to motherhood. In addition to Charlie’s sleeping problem, I knew I wanted to breastfeed but hadn’t realised what a challenge that would be. The monthly nurse helped me to get on track – I was lucky

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