What Do You Say? by William Stixrud PhD & Ned Johnson

Author:William Stixrud, PhD & Ned Johnson [Stixrud, William & Johnson, Ned]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2021-08-17T00:00:00+00:00

Modeling Expectations

William H. Jeynes, who has studied parental expectations for decades, says that the healthiest expectations don’t come via edicts nor are they voiced as demands like, “You’d better make the cross-country team next year, because you’re going to need it for college applications!” Healthy expectations are more often unspoken and communicated by modeling a strong work ethic, a strong faith in the future, and “a pleasantly steadfast spirit.”10

One of the best ways parents can communicate the healthy kind of expectations is by verbalizing how they walk the line between healthy and toxic themselves. Reminisce, tell stories of expectations your own parents had (or still have!) of you, and how you dealt with them. Or perhaps you share a goal you’ve set for yourself, something that’s important to you, and how you are pushing yourself to meet that goal. If you model a commitment to service or to helping family members or friends when they are in need, you are showing your kids the expectations you have for how you want to show up in the world.

Mastermind groups—a group of people who share goals, problem-solve, and hold one another accountable—are already popular with business groups and entrepreneurs.11 They work for families, too. Families can meet each week to share goals they’ve set for themselves around their health, or school, or work. Even if your family’s group lasts for only a few months, it’s okay—even a little bit helps kids see that the entire family is goal-directed, and supportive of one another setting their own goals.

If you make a mistake, telling your kids about it, and asking for their advice, normalizes mistakes and guards against perfectionism. Practice using positive self-talk when you’re speaking about yourself or other people. “I’ve got a presentation today,” you might say; “I’m pretty well prepared, so I think it should go well.” Or “I can do the work necessary to learn this piece on the piano.”

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