Waiting for Godalming (Completely Barking Mad Trilogy Book 3) by Robert Rankin

Author:Robert Rankin [Rankin, Robert]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Far Fetched Books
Published: 2013-12-25T05:00:00+00:00

To my son Colin, I bequeath my beloved planet Earth.

To my dear wife, Eartha, the rest of the Universe.

Signed GOD

‘And that’s it?’ said I. ‘It’s, well, it’s brief.’

‘Very brief,’ said Eartha.

‘But surely, if I recall my scripture,’ I said, ‘it clearly states that the meek are supposed to inherit the Earth.’

Eartha made the kind of face that Joseph Merrick made a living out of. ‘It’s my Earth!’ She shouted, rattling my ceiling fan and damn near having the remnants of my hat off. ‘He gave it to me as a birthday present.’

‘Ma’am,’ said I, as I straightened my flambeaued fedora. ‘Ma’am, please, surely now God is dead, you are in complete control of everything. I mean, you just sorted out the weather with a wave of your lily-white hand. You can do whatever you want, can’t you? I mean, you could just zap the will and forget all about it?’

‘No, Mr Wormwood, I can not do that. There are protocols to be observed. Even God had to abide by certain rules. Now I want you to investigate this, Mr Wormwood. I want you to find out who put the hit on my husband and what this will is all about.’

‘Ma’am,’ I said. ‘With all due respect. I do know my business and in cases such as these, it’s usually the person who has the most to gain from the death of the subject who’s the guilty party. I don’t wish to cause any offence here. But I reckon your son Colin is in the frame for this one.’

‘If that is the case,’ She said, ‘then so be it and I will deal with Colin myself. But I want proof, Mr Wormwood. Absolute proof. I want to know the truth about what happened to my husband and why. And you are going to find that truth for me, aren’t you, Mr Wormwood?’

‘Ma’am,’ I said, ‘you can rely on me.’

‘Yes, I know that I can. Because if you fail to deliver, within one week from today, I shall visit upon you such torment that even the devil himself will turn his face away from the horror. Do I make myself absolutely clear?’

‘Absolutely, ma’am,’ said I. And boy, did I need the toilet.

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