Under My Skin by K. J. Parker

Author:K. J. Parker
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: urn:uuid:00000978-0007-4524-0080-000000000008
Publisher: Subterranean Press
Published: 2023-01-29T00:00:00+00:00

This matter of a quarter-inch, and the difference it makes.

I refer you to Saloninus, On Beauty, chapter twenty-six, paragraph four. You’ll recall that Saloninus proves, mathematically and by examples drawn from great art, that the divide between beautiful and ugly is almost exactly a quarter of an inch—fifteen sixty-fourths of an inch, to be precise. Take the most beautiful nose you can think of, and shorten it, or lengthen it, one quarter-inch. Result; ugliness. Same goes for lips, chins, distance between eyes, all the geometrical relationships that make up the human face. Seven thirty-seconds longer or shorter you can get away with, but fifteen sixty-fourths is the killer. It’s an absolute rule, infallible, inflexible.

It’s also true. I proved it once. I did a series of self-portraits—possibly the best work, the second-best work I’ve ever done, certainly the most lifelike—and when they were finished, I moved the various features about, to scale, in proportion. A quarter of an inch here and there made me into a goddess.

Well, I exaggerate slightly. Nice-looking, anyhow; nice enough-looking to get a husband, have my choice of two or three. Cross-reference with a mirror, measure carefully with calipers. Saloninus was right. A quarter-inch separates butt-ugly from beauty, what I am from what I should have been, hell from heaven. I soaked a rag in turpentine and wiped my face off the panels, leaving a neck, hair and a gap in between. Now that’s what I call a portrait.

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