True Secrets of Lesbian Desire: Keeping Sex Alive in Long-Term Relationships by Renate Stendhal

Author:Renate Stendhal [Stendhal, Renate]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781583943960
Publisher: North Atlantic Books
Published: 2011-10-17T22:00:00+00:00

And now we come upon a fourth:

MYTH 4 — Genital sex, meaning vaginal stimulation via penetration, is the only mature sexuality for real women and real men.

Everything else is perverse, childish, regressed, pathetic, and even pathological. We might wonder if such impoverished sex might be a male concept and definition of sexuality. Boys, after all, are taught early on to renounce most or all body pleasure and sensuality. They are not encouraged to give or receive caresses, enjoy bubble baths and body lotions, indulge in a hundred brush strokes through long silky hair, relax in pleasant eternities of being braided all over one’s head and fitted with ribbons and pearls, perfumes and powders.

Men’s emphasis on purely genital sex, with its focus on penetration, may be the sad outcome of their sensual deprivation in a partriarchal environment. And this culturally enforced, exclusive focus on genital sex may be a way to deprive women, too. Once a woman is conquered, deflowered, and possessed, our culture’s stereotypical sexuality robs her of her sensuous advantages and cripples her natural capacity for overall body involvement and pleasure. Instead of buying into this male model of so-called mature sex, we may decide never to outgrow our childlike sensuality, but instead, to cultivate it.

This is what Sybil and Mariushka chose to do when they went for the polymorphously perverse option. They relearned to play, to “body-play,” as they called it. They began to negotiate treats they really wanted, like kids would do: I’ll give you this if you give me that. Suddenly, a lot of talk about how these treats should be given led to defining and redefining pleasure.

And yet there was a period when theses pleasures seemed boring to Mariushka, and Sybil complained that this sort of half-innocent body-play clashed with the polyamorous sex fantasies she had learned to cultivate in order to keep up with Mariushka’s program. When she understood that there was nothing wrong with any kind of fantasies as long as she was not forcing herself to act on them, they seemed less disturbing to her. Our talking about fantasies created a vivid interest in Mariushka, and the couple introduced “Tell me your dirtiest fantasy” into their sandbox play, which helped Mariushka over her initial boredom. Then it turned into “Tell me your most romantic fantasy,” and the fantasies in this new game acquired (in Sybil’s words) “terribly sappy story lines.” More and more slow, tender, sensuous sensations showed up in the sand-box. Body-play now was mixed with a natural flow of verbal communication, and there even was a hint, and soon more than a hint, of laughing and giggling, burping and farting, and other forbidden regressions.

Mariushka and Sybil reported that they made surprising discoveries about likes and dislikes, in each other and in themselves. In their sandbox, they were permitted to be childish, which meant selfish, greedy, telling the truth about what they wanted or disliked.

The couple often surprised me with their determination to keep the work in the present. The past,

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