Trauma and the Struggle to Open Up by Robert T. Muller

Author:Robert T. Muller
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: W. W. Norton & Company

All Apologies Are Not Created Equal

Showing Remorse

What does a sound apology look like, one that hits the mark?

Viewing apology as a kind of remedial gesture, sociologist Erving Goffman described this social practice as having several parts: “Expression of embarrassment and chagrin; clarification that one knows what conduct had been expected and sympathizes with the application of negative sanction . . . espousal of the right way, and an avowal henceforth to pursue that course; performance of penance and the volunteering of restitution” (1971, p. 113).

It’s in this tradition that, more recently, law and society scholar Richard Weisman (2014) emphasized the showing of remorse as central to the apology. What I like about the idea of remorse—when its expression is authentic—is that it captures a lot of what goes into a good apology.

The emotional nature of remorse is key. In Weisman’s view, the feelings are painful, unwanted. They come spontaneously; they’re not planned or deliberate. And remorse is communicated through emotional displays and gestures rather than words alone. Expressions of remorse demonstrate pain by making suffering visible.

In this sense, showing remorse is highly interpersonal. This is seen all the time in legal practice. Jurors respond poorly to defendants who don’t effectively communicate remorse. Weisman wrote of the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing, “Timothy McVeigh’s choice to remain mute at his execution—or ‘stone-faced,’ as several reporters described him—was read by most observers not as an abstention from the demand to show remorse, but as a clear expression of a lack of remorse” (2014, p. 11).

One couple I worked with came for counseling following an affair the husband had had with one of his associates. Despite all that had happened, both husband and wife said they wanted to work things out between them.

As I often do with couples, I held individual meetings with each, to better understand their early personal histories, but I don’t form any “illicit pacts”—keeping secrets with one member of the couple, from the other—and I told them so.

In his individual session, the husband confessed the affair had lasted years longer than he’d admitted to before. He had a large dental practice, and he’d pretended over the years to go on many conferences with his associate, but was actually spending days away with her. The secrecy of the affair and his dishonesty were feeling unbearable to him. I encouraged him to come clean. If he wanted to do couples work, his wife would have to know the truth. So he told her, later that day.

In the next session—a meeting with the two of them—the wife was still in disbelief from the news: “You see? I can’t believe a word that passes through his lips!” Turning to him, she said: “Aren’t you sorry at all?!”

He took a deep breath, leaned forward, and looking her squarely in the eyes, replied, “I’m sorry you were lied to.”

To which she marched right out, and slammed the door behind her. To his utter shock, the apology had failed.

The following week, I was astonished to see them back in my office (I’d figured they were gone forever).

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