The Stressed Years of Their Lives by Dr. B. Janet Hibbs

Author:Dr. B. Janet Hibbs
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: St. Martin's Press

Turning Family Binds into Loving Bonds

Dr. Hibbs offered to hold a family session to support Karin in an important dialogue with her parents, and through the process release her from the binds of perfectionism. The goal of a family session, she reassured Karin, would be to help each family member establish closer relationships: rather than avoiding conflict, they could trust one another to disclose their true feelings in a constructive way.

Karin declined the offer, explaining she wanted to talk with her parents by herself. She worried that a group session would make her parents feel implicit blame: “Did our separation create our daughter’s problems?” So Dr. Hibbs changed gears, running through some role-playing dialogues to prepare Karin for her conversation with her mom and dad. Even if Karin didn’t get the support and reassurance she longed for, she had to dismantle this unspoken but powerfully guiding expectation that she could never let them down. Her success in telling her parents about this impossible bind would help her disable the perceived threat of an imperfect—and therefore unlovable—self.

Dr. Hibbs encouraged Karin to let her parents know that their separation had been painful for her; and, if it seemed safe enough, to divulge her recent ordeal. After all, Dr. Hibbs prompted, why not give her parents a chance to care about her? Hopefully, their responses would help deflate her self-judgment and shame along with the destructive value she placed on herself to be perfect. Karin nodded her understanding.

At their get-together, Karin opened the talk by disclosing the double bind she felt from that fall “separation” dinner—“We have bad news for you, but don’t upset your mother, and Dad is mad that you’re hurt.” Bracing herself for more tears from her mother and defensiveness from her father, she was relieved to encounter understanding instead—and their willingness to hear out her feelings. The Suttons told her that they regretted not imagining the impact of their announcement—and how upsetting it had clearly been for Karin. Their new openness to her feelings reflected the post-separation parenting guidance from their counselor: Don’t judge; validate your daughter’s sad or angry feelings; don’t get on the defensive. Sensing their shift, Karin felt free for the first time to share what she had been working on in therapy: her struggles with anxiety and perfectionism, and the assault and self-injury that occasioned her ER visit. Her parents’ sympathy and support were a true comfort.

Over the course of two hours, Karin and her parents had their first heart-to-heart talk in years. Rather than automatically orienting herself to her parents’ needs, as she’d done in the past, Karin broached what she thought she might need over the rapidly approaching Thanksgiving break. That would be the family’s first holiday together in the wake of her parents’ breakup. She made a few key requests:

• “I’d like to stay in my childhood home rather than moving between homes.”

• “I’d prefer not to travel to the two extended families for two holiday dinners.”

• “I need to spend more time with my high school friends.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.