The Sheltering Tree by J.R. Lawrie

Author:J.R. Lawrie [Lawrie, J.R.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Carnation Books
Published: 2021-04-08T16:00:00+00:00

"I like seeing you this way. This suits me."

It was hard to focus on work this morning. It was hard to focus on anything. Jay had so far spent an hour scrolling dully through his emails, clicking from one to the next in the hope they might start answering themselves. He couldn't stop himself from replaying the worst parts of last night, over and over on a loop in his mind—like if he only imagined hard enough, he could somehow reshoot them and make things okay.

"I'm happy with how things are."

He wished Alastair hadn't asked about other people. He wished he'd downplayed his own reply, and better yet shut the fuck up straight after—just let the honesty be what it was. Trying to act chill and breezy hadn't fixed a thing. He'd unsettled Alastair and he knew it, then made it all so much worse by putting on a front. Alastair wasn't an idiot. He'd clearly seen through the handwaving and the backtracking.

The truth was that his silence had hurt like hell. It hurt even more each time that Jay remembered. Everything had been so perfect, then so thoroughly crap. It didn't help that he couldn't now drink coffee without stinging the cut in his lip, nor shift in his chair without a sharp wince of pain through his groin.

While his brain understood that this whole thing had been ready to collapse at any second, his heart wasn't ready to hear it—even now.

Story of my life, Jay thought, abandoning his emails to push both his hands into his hair. He rubbed hard with his fingertips as he thought. Nothing's ever mine. Only borrowing it all for a while. He'd never known when to quit and just be grateful for what he had. It hadn't been enough to get out of Manchester; he'd begged them to let him go to London. Once he arrived, it hadn't been enough to keep some ordinary job in a bar or in a coffee house. He'd had to start dreaming of something bigger. He hadn't even let it just stay as a small charity. He'd expanded it, pushed it, started winning bloody awards, and sooner or later it would all come crashing down in flames. He'd beckoned an entire organisation's worth of people to come join him on a plane that he knew was leaking fuel. He should have known his place, but he hadn't.

Just like he should have known his place with Alastair—kept things simple, had some fun. Instead he had to go and fall in love.

Jesus, when will I learn to just...

The knock against his door barely registered in his ears. As Jay lifted his weary head from his hands, the door opened with a click and Connor slipped inside. Today's shirt was black with an abundance of printed flamingos, his expression uncharacteristically subdued. He calmly closed the door behind him, then without invitation came over to Jay's desk, scraped a chair very carefully into place, and sat down.

Jay waited, watching him and trying not to frown.

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