The Relationship Manifesto by Stephen Whitehead

Author:Stephen Whitehead
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: love, sex, relationships, marriage, divorce, sexuality, gender, men, women, romance
ISBN: 9781785388576
Publisher: Andrews UK Limited 2018
Published: 2018-02-01T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 5: Sex and Pleasure

7.5 billion people and each one started out with an orgasm

The problem with sex?

More relationships come to grief over sex than any other single factor. Why does this happen? Well, the reasons are numerous but they usually come down to one common factor: we have failed to be grown up about sex and especially our own sexuality. We invest so much in the pursuit of sex, yet we can never wholly control it. Inevitably, our sexual desires prove stronger than the social codes that demand we are ‘good’.

This leads to us living what Italian sociologist, Syliva Gherardi, terms a ‘schizogenic’ existence - whereby we constantly have to present ourselves in particular but contrasting ways so as to be ‘accepted’ and deemed ‘normal’ by different sections of society; women managers, for example have to become adept at performing masculinity in the workplace while still presenting themselves as overtly feminine. In such situations, individuals end up not only living out multiple identities, some of which are in conflict with each other, but also displacing their true feelings. As I go on to reveal in this chapter, both men and women can be very accomplished at hiding their true feelings when it comes to sex. This may be clever, but is it healthy for relationships - is it healthy for us? I think not.

The contradictions between sexual expectation and sexual reality are legion. For example, why do we continue to assume that people are going to remain faithful in relationships? Most are not, especially those in long-term relationships. Why do we believe men are the ones driven by sexual urges that lead them to being unfaithful? All the evidence shows that women are, now, increasingly likely to ‘play away’ especially if they are unhappy and unsatisfied in the physical side of their relationship. Why do we assume that our sexual needs are going to remain constant throughout our lives? This is just not true. Just as we change over the years, so does our sexuality. And certainly, do not buy into the myth that age diminishes desire. The older age group is not now called the ‘swinging sixties’ for nothing. Teenagers will first have sex at, say, fifteen, but if they think all bedroom activities will cease once they get past forty, or even fifty, then they are very mistaken. They have a lot to look forward to.

Sex is a skill - it needs to be learnt and we need to practice it often so as to become adept. It is not a skill to be practiced on one’s own

Sexuality is a powerful drive in each of us, but so long as we pretend we can control it simply by saying, “I do” or “I love you,” then we are always going to be picking up the pieces some years later.

This inability of ours to accept something so basic about human beings, so fundamental to adulthood, is one of the reasons we are unable to hold our relationships together.

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