The Possibility Principle: How Quantum Physics Can Improve the Way You Think, Live, and Love by Mel Schwartz

Author:Mel Schwartz [Schwartz, Mel]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi, azw3
Publisher: Sounds True
Published: 2017-08-31T05:00:00+00:00

RETHINKING SELF-ESTEEM

I believe that the term self-esteem is often misapplied. The first half of the expression, self, indicates that esteem is derived from one’s inner being. Yet most people seek a sense of worthiness from things that lie outside of themselves. For a student, it might come from good grades; for a businessperson or worker, it may derive from a promotion or a raise; and for most individuals, praise or acknowledgment provide a temporary increase in esteem. Our society generates billions of dollars in revenues from inducing people to seek the quick fix of vanity as a means toward feeling better about themselves. Yet none of these affectations of glamour or success actually contributes one iota to real self-esteem. Paradoxically, they may undermine our self-respect.

If we contort our personality to seek recognition or approval from others, or to avoid disapproval, we’re pursuing what I call “other-esteem.” We’re trying to feel better about ourselves by being disingenuous. The more we do this, the further we move from genuine self-esteem. Being approved of or valued by others may make us feel good, but if we betray our authentic self in order to manipulate these results, we decimate genuine self-worth. Not only that, but when we act in this manner, we are taking our well-being and serving it up to other people. It then becomes the other person’s duty to decide if we are worthy. This is not a healthy place to be, and it is a soul-defeating exercise.

The simple truth is that others can’t judge you. People have opinions of you; that is entirely natural. To elevate their opinion to the status of a judgment, however, is counterproductive. No one can judge you unless you confer upon him or her the power of being your judge. The only person who arbitrarily has such power presides in a courtroom and wears a long black cloak; all others are people with opinions. And with a healthier measure of self-esteem, we might more easily tolerate others’ opinions without elevating their beliefs into construed judgments and objective truths.

If someone else doesn’t grant us their approval, we have a habit of claiming that they rejected us. In truth, we have rejected ourselves when we set the other person up as judge. You might recall how this happened with Helen, the client I introduced in chapter 3, when she set up my colleague Jim to be her judge. The degree to which we are reactive to others’ opinions of us is inversely correlated to our level of self-esteem.

Most parents would claim that they are thoroughly invested in their children’s self-esteem. Educators, therapists, and guidance counselors also place great value on the development of children’s self-worth. Yet I would argue that most don’t begin to comprehend self-esteem. If an A student becomes depressed by getting a B, it is abundantly clear that the student’s esteem is contingent on their performance. Performance should be seen as the icing on the cake, but the cake, so to speak, is the student’s relationship with him- or herself.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.