The Possession by Annie Ernaux

Author:Annie Ernaux
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Seven Stories Press
Published: 2010-06-11T00:00:00+00:00

I wrote in my journal “I have decided not to see him again.” At the moment when I wrote these words I was no longer suffering, and I confused the relief of my suffering—through writing—with the end of my feelings of loss and jealousy. No sooner had I closed my notebook than I was gripped by the desire to know the name of this woman, to find out information about her—all the things that would go on to create more suffering.

When he was at my house and he went into the bathroom, I was irresistibly drawn toward his briefcase sitting in the entryway. I was sure that it concealed everything I wanted to know: the name, the telephone number, maybe a photo. I would approach it silently and stand fascinated in front of this black object, not breathing, filled with desire and with the incapacity to touch it. I saw myself fleeing with it to the back of the garden, opening it and extracting its contents one by one, throwing them all over until, like a purse snatcher, I found my treasure.

It would, obviously, have been easy for me to learn the identity of this woman by going in secret to her address on Avenue Rapp. To get past the first obstacle, a door that would open only with a code I didn’t have, I had imagined making an appointment with the gynecologist who practiced in the building. But I dreaded being seen by him, or by the two of them together, thus revealing all my dereliction, that of a woman no longer loved, exposing my desire to be loved again. I could have paid a detective. But that also would mean showing my desire to someone whose profession I did not hold in high esteem. It occurs to me that I wanted to be indebted to no one but myself—or chance—for the discovery of this woman’s name.

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