The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times by Pema Chödrön

Author:Pema Chödrön
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Tags: Tibetan Buddhism
Publisher: Shambhala Publications
Published: 2010-09-14T03:00:00+00:00

13

Meeting the Enemy

With unfailing kindness, your life always presents what you need to learn. Whether you stay home or work in an office or what ever, the next teacher is going to pop right up.

—CHARLOTTE JOKO BECK

THE ESSENCE OF BRAVERY is being without self-deception. However, it’s not so easy to take a straight look at what we do. Seeing ourselves clearly is initially uncomfortable and embarrassing. As we train in clarity and steadfastness, we see things we’d prefer to deny—judgmentalness, pettiness, arrogance. These are not sins but temporary and workable habits of mind. The more we get to know them, the more they lose their power. This is how we come to trust that our basic nature is utterly simple, free of struggle between good and bad.

A warrior begins to take responsibility for the direction of her life. It’s as if we are lugging around unnecessary baggage. Our training encourages us to open the bags and look closely at what we are carrying. In doing this we begin to understand that much of it isn’t needed anymore.

There is a traditional teaching that supports us in this process: the near and far enemies of the four limitless qualities. The near enemy is something that’s similar to one of these four qualities. Rather than setting us free, however, it burdens us. The far enemy is the quality’s opposite; it also gets in our way.

The near enemy or misunderstanding of loving-kindness is attachment. There’s a Tibetan word, lhenchak, that describes this well. “Lhenchak” points at how free-flowing love can go astray and get stuck. It is taught that the strongest lhenchak occurs in the following three relationships: between parents and children, between lovers, and between spiritual teachers and their students. Lhenchak is characterized by clinging and self-involvement. It’s like weaving ourselves into a web of shared neurosis. By its nature, it inhibits human growth. Inevitably the lhenchak relationship turns into a source of irritation and blindness.

Loving-kindness is different from lhenchak. It is not based on need. It is genuine appreciation and care for the well-being of another person, a respect for an individual’s value. We can love someone for his own sake, not because he is worthy or unworthy, not because he is loving toward us or he isn’t. This goes beyond relationships with people. Loving even a flower without lhenchak, we see it more clearly and feel more tenderness for its inherent perfection.

We get an interesting hit on the emotional roller coaster of lhenchak when we start to move through the seven stages of aspiration. Someone who’s theoretically quite dear to us can end up in several categories. In fact, it’s frequently not our partners or parents whom we put in the category of unconditionally beloved. They move around day by day, from loved one to difficult person.

The far enemy or opposite of loving-kindness is hatred or aversion. The obvious drawback of aversion is that it isolates us from others. It strengthens the illusion that we are separate. However, right in the tightness and heat of hatred is the soft spot of bodhichitta.

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