The Nick of Time by San Culberson

Author:San Culberson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Kensington Books
Published: 2006-10-15T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 15

I know I’ve been rambling, but I just want you to know why I ended up speaking to Nick again after the whole “I disapprove of your dress” fiasco. My intention was never to speak to him again. Regardless of the size of his phallus and his mastery of creamy sauces, I knew I didn’t want to spend time with any man who wanted to change anything about me.

I had made up my mind months ago that I would never change anything for a man—not my phone number, not my opinion, not my routine, and certainly not my fashion sense. And technically, I stuck to that resolve. I didn’t change my mind because of Nick; I changed it because it was what I wanted to do…and plus, he caught me at a weak moment.

Exactly fourteen days after my last meeting with Nick, I was going over some notes for a case outside the courtroom when I heard a chillingly familiar voice calling my name. “Fiona!” My hands froze; then I slipped the notecards in the side of my briefcase. I took mental inventory of my appearance—beautifully tailored suit, new pumps, tasteful jewelry, my favorite Bobbi Brown lipstick—I looked good enough to appear before the Supreme Court.

I turned around slowly to face my ex-hole. I hadn’t seen or spoken to him since our last appearance in court. You’d think that since we were both lawyers that we would have run into one another sooner, but as luck or God would have it, we hadn’t. My expression was cool and professional, but my eyebrow arch said, What the fuck do you want? No, it said, What the fuck is your problem? No no, it said, I’ll fuck you up!

I looked him up and down. Most of you are probably curious to know what he looks likes. It’s not relevant to the story, but just to satisfy your curiosity…

He looked about the same, except he had mucus oozing from the corners of his eyes. Big yellow dandruff flakes were in his beard, and his black nails were filed to a point. Thorns had replaced the hair on his head, and his eyes were bloodshot. Oh, and he had a long, thin tail growing out of the hole in his ass. Well, that’s what he looks like to me. Frankly, I was surprised they allowed him in court looking and smelling the way that he did.

“Fiona, I thought that was you. How are you doing?” Oh, my God, he had the audacity to try and sound friendly. I didn’t say anything, I let my eyebrow do the talking. The following is a play in one act featuring my eyebrow and my ex-hole.

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