The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld

Author:Bernie Zilbergeld [Zilbergeld, Bernie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-80541-6
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2013-02-26T16:00:00+00:00

THE SECRET OF PLEASURABLE TOUCH (AND SEX AS WELL)

Much of the touching we do, even with lovers, is perfunctory and meaningless. A man kisses his wife as he leaves for work, for example, but his mind is elsewhere and he could just as well be kissing the lamp. Often in sex there’s a similar situation. The man is hugging his partner or kissing her, but his mind is on what he hopes will come next, not on what he’s doing now.

The only secret to pleasurable touching and sex is to be fully present, to be alive in the moment, even if the moment lasts only a few seconds. The difference is immediately noticeable. When you’re really present, the touch means something, no matter how brief it may be. When you’re not present … well, you’re just not present. You can’t experience something if you’re not there when it happens.

Being present takes no more time than being absent. But to be fair, I need to say that it will take a bit of effort to change how you touch, at least for the first few weeks. If you want, just decide that tomorrow when you kiss your partner good morning or goodbye or whatever, you will focus on what you’re doing for the few seconds it takes. Let go of your concerns about work or whatever else may be on your mind by focusing on the feel of your lips on hers or on how your bodies fit together in the hug. Focus on your body, on the sensations and feelings evoked by the touch. And do this with the ideas and exercise offered in the rest of the chapter. In the underground science-fiction classic of some years ago, Stranger in a Strange Land, the heroine is asked what she means about Michael’s being such a great kisser. Her answer says it all: “Mike doesn’t have any technique … but when Mike kisses you he isn’t doing anything else. You’re his whole universe … and the moment is eternal because he doesn’t have any plans and isn’t going anywhere. Just kissing you. It’s overwhelming.”

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