The Mathematics of Change by Amanda Kabak

The Mathematics of Change by Amanda Kabak

Author:Amanda Kabak [Kabak, Amanda]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: women's fiction, literary fiction, lgbtqia+, college, friendship, lesbian, academia
Publisher: Brain Mill Press LLC
Published: 2017-06-06T05:00:00+00:00


Chapter Eleven

We are in a certain mode of existence where we are supposed to accept and tolerate, but that just means judgment is driven underground, not eliminated.

–Dr. Abigail Rosen, The F Word: Femininity in the New Century

Carol maintained that the only good thing about washing dishes was the hot-steam facial that went along with it. She’d heard other women claim doing the dishes gave them time to think or was a meditative stress relief or other such bullshit, but that was trying to find a bright side that didn’t exist. One member of the PTA—who shall remain nameless—went so far as to say it made her happy because it gave her time away from her family.

Unlike that woman, Carol’s husband and kids had no problem finding the right side of a sponge, and recruiting help for after-dinner cleanup went down via the finger-on-nose method, which left her paired with James more often than not. But tonight, she’d wanted to contemplate the grease-ringed suds alone, which she did with a grim determination. Though she and Brian had settled into this affair of his with only minor fanfare, Carol wasn’t aching to spend more time than necessary around him pretending everything was fine. Add to that the looming specter of Christmas, and some time alone with dirty dishes was just the thing.

Carol was trying so hard not to think about anything related to the birth of Christ that she’d almost forgotten to buy presents for the kids, let alone anyone else on her list. Like Abby. But what did you get for the woman you once thought had everything?

Some of the bravado that had surged in Carol that night with Abby had ebbed away, leaving a flotsam of mixed emotions. She knew thinking herself immune to Abby’s destruction was ludicrous, yet she couldn’t rouse herself to either fear or judgment, maybe because along with Abby’s implosion, a seed of possibility had begun germinating in Carol’s gut. This little bit of hope was surely what allowed her to feel so easy about the way Abby had shed her old life in one massive, violent shake—not to mention that Carol had made her own fair share of suspect decisions.

Even so, the sheer magnitude of Abby’s destruction inspired wonder. At least some of Carol’s enormous change in plans had been due to simple accident. She tried to imagine being cruel not in knee-jerk reaction but with premeditation, maybe having an affair herself. Or a dozen. Well, really, who wouldn’t want to sleep with Abby?

After setting the pot roast pan in to soak, Carol considered the winter landscape visible around patches of steam on the window over the sink. She didn’t judge Abby, but she judged the hell out of Mitch, who had proven her love for years. The groggy morning after that dinner with Abby, Carol had come closest yet to seeking Mitch out to apologize, but it hadn’t been quite close enough. The bottom line was that empathizing with Abby held a certain appeal, but she didn’t want to put herself in Mitch’s clunky shoes, not anymore.



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