The Longest Farewell by Nula Suchet

Author:Nula Suchet [Suchet, Nula]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781781725191
Publisher: Seren

15: Visiting Time

She stood there in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way she adjusted her sails. – Elizabeth Edwards

My first visit to see James arrives. Sara had said that I needed to stay away for the first few weeks in order to let him settle in, and it’s been desperately hard not being able to see him.

I enter his room and when he sees me he gives me the broadest smile and holds out his arms for a hug. In tears, I fall into them.

Seeing my James living in this new alien place, surrounded by dementia patients, is heart wrenching. He is so utterly vulnerable.

It’s soon clear that dementia has claimed even more of him. As we sit in the dining room he seems so vulnerable among all the other residents. He can’t lift a fork or a glass to his mouth now, let alone string a sentence together. He doesn’t know who he is or even where he is.

‘James, where the hell are you? What would I give to have you back just for a day.’

I sit with him for hours looking through photographs of his past. The ones on the walls show him filming on location, going to award ceremonies, on holiday with me. Will they trigger some reminder in his mind of his old life and our years together?

He stares at the images for hours. Sometimes he smiles and points at a photo – filming in America and Africa; skiing in France; fly fishing on a loch; pets we have loved and lost. He laughs and says, ‘Me, you, me. Love love, love, me, fuck, fuck, fuck.’

My heart breaks for what he’s lost, for what we have lost and will never have again.

Going through this horrible time is hell. I drown in the sadness of it all.

I become more protective of him. Now he is my incomprehensible child. This gorgeous, once so talented man is lost to me for ever. No more long chats. No more fun, no more laughter, no more life. I have to accept that I will never be able to reach him again, nor will he ever be able to reach me.

My heart breaks with every visit. I try to be normal on the outside, but inside I continue in a crazed mess, desperately trying to fight off mini mental breakdowns. Hardest of all are his continued chats to me in a language I cannot fully understand.

Whatever he says, even if it makes no sense at all, I grasp at the words eagerly. But in the weeks that follow his language skills become even more impaired. Trying to follow the continuous chat in a language I can’t understand becomes nigh on impossible.

‘Just us no one in world … us nobody nobody say well it’s great … nobody gets us … beautiful things of that other … things say I’m first of this both of them better than me … me to you me would be great never told

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