The Hunger Pains by Harvard Lampoon

Author:Harvard Lampoon
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2012-03-25T16:00:00+00:00

The fire is blazing and its heat starts to burn my cheeks. The flames are closing in on me. I need a way to escape. I consider my options. If I run through the fire, like really fast, can it burn me? As I step backward to start my sprint through the roaring wall of flames, I bump into the trunk of a large tree. I decide to climb high above the flames, since only its lower branches are on fire.

I make it to the top of the tree. Not bad, Kantkiss. My eyes and lungs are filled with smoke, but I manage to wink at a cameraman in a parallel branch and announce, “I’m all fired up!” I hope Prin is watching at home, adding this latest quip to the list I imagine she keeps. I repeat this catchphrase sporadically until the fire dies out an hour later.

The end of the fire is not the end of the danger below. Beneath me I hear the cracking twigs and high fives of the Varsities. From the way they’re saying, “I see her in that tree,” I know they’re moments from discovering me. I try counting the Varsities but stop once I realize I’m outnumbered. Suddenly, the scent of freshly baked bread comes wafting through the air. Pita is with them! I try to make eye contact, but he avoids my gaze, so I alternate between glaring at the top of his fat head and trying to raise one eyebrow at the camera.

Meanwhile, Archie Nemesis, the Varsities’ captain, has gotten out a small whiteboard and gathered his team into a huddle. He scribbles furiously on the board, barking commands. I gasp when I see what he has drawn. It’s a single arrow—an arrow pointing right at me. Masterful play design.

Archie begins to climb the tree. What an idiot! His muscles are way too big and heavy to make it up this weeping willow. SNAP. I’m hoping he’s dead from the fall, but when I look down, I see he’s still clinging to the tree. CRACKLE … POP! Down below, Pita has begun eating a bowl of Rice Krispies.

SHAZAM. Finally, the sound I’ve been waiting for. The branch gives, and Archie falls back to where he came from.

“Here, take this, Archie,” says a well-dressed Varsity from District 7, offering his captain a silver chain saw. He must have picked it up at the Cornucrapia.

“What? Do you want me to cut off your head or something?” says Archie, pushing away the saw. “Here’s what you need to understand: I am very angry right now!”

I see the oblong, steel football clutched in his beefy hand. THUD. The whole tree shakes as he hurls it into the trunk. Sports really are a great way to relieve stress! Another Varsity picks up the ball and jogs it back to Archie. THUD. If they keep this up, I’ll never be able to sleep. They won’t be able to sleep either, I comfort myself as I drift off.

It is evening when I wake up to the sound of rustling in a neighboring tree.

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