The First Ten Years by Joseph Fink

Author:Joseph Fink
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Harper Perennial
Published: 2021-03-02T00:00:00+00:00

Meg

HOW TO PROPOSE MARRIAGE:

Step 1A: Want to be married.

This is a good place to start. If you don’t want to be married, then by all means, do NOT do it. There’s no dress or party or kitchen appliance that is worth entering into a legally binding agreement that you don’t want to be in.

If you do want to be married, it’s important to examine why you want to be married. I always thought that one day I would get married. I grew up in a culture that placed a lot of pressure on women to find a man and get married, a culture that reinforced the toxic idea that a woman’s value is derived from a man’s desire for her. I see more and more that this culture is diluting, and I hope that it continues to do so. Getting married because you are indoctrinated into a culture that values you on a scale determined by a man’s want for you is a terrible reason to get married. Even if you are in a same-sex relationship it’s important to consider this, because as I’m sure you know, heteronormative mores have a way of leaching into just about fucking everything.

I knew I wanted to be married for sure in November of 2014. I was in Jersey visiting my family for the night and sleeping in my childhood bedroom alone. I called Joseph before I went to bed to say goodnight, and he didn’t pick up. One of the strings holding my shit together popped and I allowed myself down the spiral of “what if?” What if he was dead? What if he ordered chicken kebab because I wasn’t home to cook for him and he got too excited because he loves chicken kebab and he choked on it? And I wasn’t there to not actually know how to do the Heimlich but still to be helpful in the panicking department? What if he went out to see a show and fell down the subway stairs onto the tracks and was seriously injured and would need a lifetime of caretaking but the police didn’t have anyone to contact and he was hurt and all alone?

As I slipped down this spiral, it wasn’t fear I was feeling about him being in danger, it was lack of control. I wanted to be in control of what happened to him, but I knew that there is no way to do that. I wanted to be in control of what would happen after the horrible thing. I wanted to take responsibility for him. I wanted to make the chicken. I wanted to plan his funeral and box up all his books. I wanted to take him to physical therapy and make sure he took his medicines. I wanted to be his person. I wanted that decision to be made. I wanted there to be no question about who was supposed to sign the important papers or to pick him up. I wanted to love him for the rest of his life.

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