The Bluffer's Guide to Rugby

The Bluffer's Guide to Rugby

Author:Steven Gauge
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bluffer's Guides


You might also want to keep a note of the score with a little notebook and pencil tucked into your sock, in case anyone is interested later.

Occasionally it will be helpful to both teams if you could take on the responsibility for identifying the spot on the pitch where any rule-breaking has taken place. After you have blown your whistle, alerting everyone to the misdemeanour, keep your eye firmly on the little patch of turf where the offence happened. This is where the game will then restart. Ignore any little fights that might have broken out between the players, jog swiftly over and mark up the point with the heel of your boot. This doesn’t necessarily need to be particularly accurate; you just need to make a decision and stick to it. You might also want to keep a note of the score with a little notebook and pencil tucked into your sock, in case anyone is interested later.

Once in a while during most games a small fight will break out between a couple of the forwards. Here, your job is simple. Wait a respectful distance away until the scuffle has subsided. Then call over the captains and the main perpetrators, whereupon you are required to say but one word. This is a magic word that seems to end all rugby-related scraps. The word is ‘handbags’ – perhaps in the context as follows: ‘I’m not sure what that was all about and I don’t want to know. It looked a bit like handbags to me. Now shake hands and that’s an end to it.’ The comparison of their furious battle with drunken girls tottering on high heels outside a nightclub, hitting each other with handbags, while shouting, ‘Leave ’im! ’Ee’s not werff it,’ normally takes the sting out of any situation.

At various points during the second half of the game, the more unfit players will ask you the following question: ‘How long, sir?’ This is not an inquiry about your more intimate measurements. It is simply because they are desperately unfit and need to know how much more pain and misery they will have to endure. The captain may well have promised them that they could play just 20 minutes before being replaced by a substitute, but since none have turned up they are now on the verge of collapsing in a heap. At this point, depending on your own level of exhaustion, you can pick a number between one and 40 and then gradually reduce the number each time you are asked. When you have finally had enough of being asked the question, feel free to blow your whistle and head for the bar to claim your pint. You have earned it.



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