The Art of Intimate Marriage by Tim & Dr. Jennifer Konzen

Author:Tim & Dr. Jennifer Konzen
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Family & Relationships/Marriage/Health & Fitness/Sexuality/Religion/Christian Life/Love & Marriage
Publisher: Elm Hill
Published: 2018-08-23T16:00:00+00:00

Betrayal Communication Exercise: Steps to Healing the Attachment Injury

* Betrayals can cause an injury to the attachment in a relationship. These injuries can be quite traumatic. When the trauma connected to the attachment injury is triggered, remember these steps in responding to your spouse when they share the trigger with you.

** This exercise is especially helpful if a couple has become comfortable using the Validation Exercise found in chapters three, four, and five.

For the spouse who is sharing: Before you share, consider getting some help from someone you trust with how to say what you want to tell your spouse (your concerns about the medical issue or your feelings about how the past is affecting your sexual relationship). As you share, be genuine and specific without casting any blame.

For the spouse who is listening: As your spouse shares, listen in order to genuinely understand. When you respond, consider the steps below.

1) Reflect. Merely say back to your spouse what they shared with you. Even if they attack or say it in anger, take a breath and tell them what you heard.

2) Validate. “I know that what I did really hurt you. And it is completely understandable that this would bring it up.”

3) Ownership. “I did things then that caused so much damage to our relationship and that hurt you tremendously. I am so sorry that the things I did then still come up and cause pain for you now.”

4) Gratitude. “I am really glad you shared this with me. I want you to tell me whenever it comes up for you.”

5) Ask your spouse what they need at this time. Do they need some reassurance? Do they need you to share with them how you are doing in guarding yourself from further sin (i.e., pornography use, etc.)? Do they need you to hold them? Do they have any questions for you? Or do they just need you to be in the room listening?

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