Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad

Author:Margalis Fjelstad
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Publisher: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers
Published: 2014-04-26T11:07:46+00:00

Linda now knows her mother will never be the mother she wanted. She is still dealing with leftover hurt and anger, but she has clearly taken on responsibility for how she interacts with her mother. She knows it is up to her to make whatever changes will happen in her life and in her relationship with her mother. This is the only mother she will ever have, and she is clear about what kinds of interactions she chooses. As a result, she can have a more positive relationship with her mother even though she has decided to make it much more limited in time together. She also feels much better about herself.

Start Using the Caring Triangle

It can be helpful to picture a new triangle to keep you focused on the new behaviors we have just discussed. Instead of the actions of the persecutor, you take on the new behaviors of doing and assertion. You give up trying to force others to do what you want and blaming them for what you don’t like, and you take actions that you decide on. You ask for what you want, you act on your own behalf, and you take positive action.

Instead of the victim role, you accept the situation you are in and take responsibility and make choices to function in a more healthy and happy way. You put real thought into what you want and how to get it, and you take action to make things change.

Instead of being the rescuer, you give the BP/NP the respect of letting him or her take care of solving his or her own problems, dealing with his or her feelings, and choosing his or her own solutions. You can refuse to take what the BP/NP says and does as meaning anything about who you are. You can quit letting fear, obligation, and guilt control and manipulate you into taking care of the BP/NP when you really don’t want to. Your attitude makes a huge difference in getting out of the Drama Triangle. The Caring Triangle is shown in figure 11.1.

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