Sometimes Therapy Is Awkward by Nicole Arzt

Author:Nicole Arzt
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Soul of Therapy LLC
Published: 2020-10-15T13:41:52+00:00

When You Lose Your Empathy, Localize the Pain

We’re all going to have challenging clients. They might be boring, frustrating, sociopathic, narcissistic, or oozing with a victim mentality. If you haven’t had one of those clients yet, you will. You won’t like everyone who enters your office. At times, you may even feel like you hate specific clients. Being attuned to your countertransference can help you keep your emotions and reactions in check.

Therapists aren’t perfect. We become impatient and agitated. We become distracted and wish we were at the beach or eating lunch. We find ourselves judging our clients and making quick assumptions about their feelings or behavior. Some of these reactions come from countertransference. Others come from the numerous distractions that impact us during our sessions.

We always need to pay special attention when we find ourselves losing empathy. If therapy is a house, trust is the foundation, and empathy lies within the walls. A lack of empathy is a countertransference problem, but it’s also a practical problem. When we lose empathy, we risk becoming resentful, making unfair assumptions, judging our clients, and taking shortcuts in our work.

All voluntary clients enter therapy because they are in some kind of pain. Sometimes their pain is apparent. They know it, and we know it, and we can work through it without much digging. But other times, the pain exists in covert layers. People conceal their damage in all kinds of ways. They lie and omit, they suppress and rationalize, they dress themselves in classy clothes and makeup, or they bury it under alcohol and substances. All pain hurts, and we are wired to avoid hurt.

I like inner-child work, and when I find myself losing empathy for a client, I imagine them as a small child, around three years old. I am patient and understanding with children. I don’t blame them for their distress, and I don’t feel frustrated or judgmental of their behavior. In my opinion, children are perfectly innocent—they are just products of their circumstances. Many of our clients are wounded children in adult bodies. They move through life wanting love and freedom and happiness, but they don’t know how to get those things.

When we lose empathy, we must focus on what I call localizing the pain. Think about where it hurts, and think about why it hurts. Imagine your client as a three-year-old who needs your love, attention, and patience. Imagine them as a young child who feels abandoned or scared.

Aim to Remember the Obscure Details

As therapists, we have to remember a lot of client information. We might see several clients each day, and we juggle different names and presenting problems and complicated life stories. But genuine connection exists beyond knowing this basic information. It exists within the small, intimate details.

Some of my clients think I have an incredible memory. They’re not entirely wrong—I have the blessing, or curse, of remembering useless facts and insignificant dialogues from over a decade ago. But if you can remember an arbitrary detail from your client’s story, they will also assume you have a fantastic memory.

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