Shadow Girls by Carol Birch

Author:Carol Birch [Birch, Carol]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781838939441
Publisher: Head of Zeus

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Going home on the bus, I had a terrible fear, deep down through every bit of me. My bus huffed along as if this was just any other day and passed the bus stop where Pamela used to wait, where I’d looked out and seen her leaning wearily against the post, eyes closed. Who to go round town with now? Such fun we had going round town. Couldn’t stop the thoughts. What’s it like? When you hit the ground? Tomorrow was Friday. Surely they didn’t expect us to take the exams after this? Why was I sitting here on the creaking bus when everything had changed? Why was everything the same as ever when nothing was the same any more, and how had the day come to this? I felt as if there was something I should be doing or feeling, but my mind was so struck it didn’t know what to do, and the old world rolled past the windows same as ever and in no time I’d be home. I saw Sylvia, clumsy, trouble in her face, jumping frog-fashion over the buck. The line in front of me, light from the high windows slanting into the gym, my filthy plimsolls down there on the polished boards when I dropped my eyes. Pamela dead meant nothing. We passed the pretty green and yellow tiling of Peveril of the Peak. Should I have told someone? Miss Swett the most approachable? Anyone? But what could I say? Pamela’s not come down from the roof. She went silently, like a stone – why do we say that? A stone, a brick, a raindrop, it’s all the same. Is there blood on the ground where she landed? Will they have cleared it up? Has she gone now? Where’ve they taken her?

There was someone else up there on the roof with her. She looked back over her shoulder.

No, no, she was just looking back. There was no one there.

When I got home the brats were watching TV in the front room and Tony was in the kitchen spreading Marmite on toast.

‘My friend died,’ I said.

He frowned. ‘Kidding,’ he said.

‘My friend Pamela.’ I leaned against the door frame. I couldn’t name the feeling I had. It didn’t quite hurt but it scared me anyway and made me light-headed.

‘What happened?’

‘She jumped off the roof.’ I could hear myself, how unemotional I sounded.

‘Christ!’ he said, throwing the smeary knife into the sink. ‘You mean on purpose? Killed herself?’

‘Yeah. It’s just…’

‘My God.’

‘I know, it’s just…’

We looked at each other with the awkwardness of strangers.

‘At school,’ I said, ‘you know my school. Five storeys. We were in the yard, I saw her jump. She just sort of… stepped off. And went down. It was…’

‘Jee-sus!’ Tony took a bite of his toast and chewed. He looked puzzled.

‘I’m going to lie down,’ I said, ‘I feel a bit funny.’ I did, my head was dizzy.

‘You saw it?’ he said.

‘Yeah.’

‘Christ, how did she? Was she depressed? How did she…’

I shrugged.

He swallowed and the point in his throat lurched up and then down.

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