Ruck Me by James Haskell

Author:James Haskell
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2021-10-06T10:08:00+00:00

I don’t think I told you the stories of my Paris stalkers. Correct, there was more than one. When I moved to France, Twitter was still in its infancy. But me and Ollie latched onto its potential earlier than most sportspeople and started recording and posting mini four- or five-minute podcasts, all about our Parisian adventures. So, for example, after Ollie had informed me that you can eat the produce while doing your supermarket shopping (as long as you paid for it), we recorded ourselves having a six-course meal in our local Carrefour. It was just ridiculous stuff like that, but fun to do. And after a few of these podcasts, we started getting direct messages from people on Twitter.

One day, I received a message from an Australian girl. Her photos made her look super-attractive, and she was very flirty, so I immediately got sucked in. The age of the catfish was not yet upon us and it never occurred to me that people weren’t who they said they were. We were soon chatting so often that I was even asking her for fashion advice, as she had told me she was a high-end Sydney fashion stylist. I remember I was in Louis Vuitton one afternoon, looking to buy a holdall bag, and I called her up to ask her opinion on it. I wanted to go for the traditional LV pattern, and she told me not to and instead go for the black one, which was more expensive. That bag cost me about 800 euros, 300 more than the other one I wanted. But she knew fashion, or so she said, and who was I to argue?

She said she was coming over to Europe for the summer for work and we should meet up. But every time we arranged to meet, she never ended up coming. Eventually, she messaged to say she was coming to Paris. But as the day of her arrival got closer, I started to get cold feet. It suddenly dawned on me that I had no idea if this woman was who she said she was. So, fearing more scandal, I said to Ollie, ‘She’s staying at the Mercure near the Eiffel Tower. You need to go in, I can’t be in a hotel room with her on my own. If she says anything, no one will believe I didn’t do it. You are harmless so I’ll wait outside in the car while you go and check her out. If you’re not back in ten minutes, I’ll come up and kick the door in, because she’ll probably be trying to murder you. Just tell her that I am waiting downstairs and that we will take her to lunch, in case she asks why you are there and not me.’

As it turned out, she didn’t try to murder Ollie. But my hunch had been correct, because she was considerably larger in person than she was in her photos, and when I say larger I’m being kind. In fact, she wasn’t the same person.

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