Push Off from Here by Laura McKowen

Author:Laura McKowen [McKowen, Laura]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2023-03-07T00:00:00+00:00

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Often when people are new to sobriety or trying to put together sober time and struggling, they think that “the work” they need to do is somewhere out there, beyond them. Recently, I was leading a sobriety support meeting and a woman named Nia, who’d just celebrated her second year of sobriety, was recounting how frustrated she’d been at her annual family vacation because she’d had a hard time being around so much drinking. She expressed disappointment in herself for feeling this way, and said, “Clearly, I have to do some work. If anyone has suggestions or resources for me, I’d really appreciate it.”

In the same meeting, a man named Aaron shared that he was on day thirty, but that this was “maybe the hundredth time I’ve been here, so whatever.” What Aaron didn’t say, but what I knew, was that two years prior he was hospitalized for pancreatitis because of his drinking and was told if he didn’t stop, he would die. That stay in the hospital was his first sober stretch in probably twenty years. He’d started drinking and doing drugs at fourteen, and by sixteen he was a daily user. Since his stay in the hospital, Aaron had had far more sober days than unsober ones. Yes, he’d slipped a few times, but, on the whole, his progression was miraculous. He consistently showed up in a sober community, made an effort to share in meetings and reach out to others, was in the process of completing his bachelor’s degree, and had recently been promoted at work.

Both Nia and Aaron had made tremendous progress, and yet they still believed the starting point of “real sobriety” or “the work” was out there in the distance somewhere beyond them. What I said to them was this: You are already doing it. Nia didn’t need “more resources” or “suggestions”—she’d been sober for two years and had just successfully survived a boozy family vacation! Sure, there were probably some things she could reflect on and process from the trip that might be helpful, but her uncomfortable feelings weren’t a problem or an indication that she wasn’t “getting it.”

Similarly, Aaron’s thirty days of sobriety wasn’t a sign of failure. Two years ago he’d struggled to stay sober for thirty minutes, let alone thirty days. As long as he learned something from the experience and carried it forward, it was a win. Every hour, day, week, month he stayed sober he was learning and growing.

I want you to hear this message, too:

Not drinking through a boozy family vacation is doing the work.

Sitting with uncomfortable feelings instead of numbing out is doing the work.

Raising your hand in a support meeting and telling the truth about what’s going on is doing the work.

Checking in with your sober friends is doing the work.

Reading this book right now is doing the work.

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