Praying with Jane Eyre by Vanessa Zoltan

Author:Vanessa Zoltan [Zoltan, Vanessa]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2021-07-06T00:00:00+00:00

As committed as I am to my atheism, I don’t want to be an atheist who thinks everything can be explained by science. Jane’s fairies are my way back into contemplating destiny as a possibility to flirt with on occasion. Because I think fairies, reasonable imagination, can find their way into the basement where the Chibok girls are. And I think it’s possible that as dire as Auschwitz was, some people there, for brief moments, whether or not they survived, had brief sightings of fairies. Fairies aren’t destiny. Destiny is the man who took Miss Temple away. Destiny is the tanks that rolled in. Destiny is the big choices of people and systems. Fairies are the imagination that brings Jane the idea to search for a governess position by placing an advertisement in the paper. The life that Jane will live will be a negotiation between these powers and her fairies.

Not everyone can conjure fairies. Not only is it not their fault that they cannot conjure them, but they are to be applauded for not thinking of something as simple as fairies in places like Auschwitz, or prison, or abusive homes, or chemotherapy wards, or frankly, sometimes, just about anywhere on earth. But some people have access to fairies in the darkest of places. My grandparents survived death; I’m not sure whether they did it with or without the help of fairies.

I live with severe depression, and we know that trauma is inherited. I wonder if part of my depression is knowing that my existence hinges on such a horrible thing having happened. How can you be grateful for a life that was ill-gotten gains? I am the fruit of the poisonous tree. My fairies are all from Poland and bring me stories of women in basements. The patriarchy that is my destiny has been kind to me. But I need to keep pacing to conjure more and different kinds of fairies.

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