Pratchett, Terry - Discworld 30 - Monstrous Regiment by Pratchett Terry

Author:Pratchett, Terry
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2007-10-04T21:02:35+00:00

Page

114

‘Mr de Worde, you have I am sure heard the saying that the pen is mightier than the sword?’

De Worde preened a little. ‘Of course, and I—’

‘Do you want to test it? Take your picture, sir, and then my men will escort you back to your road.’

Otto Chriek stood up and bowed to Blouse. He unslung his picture box.

‘This vill only take vun minute,’ he said.

It never does. Polly watched in horrified fascination as Otto took picture after picture of Lieutenant Blouse in a variety of what the lieutenant thought were heroic poses. It is a terrible thing to see a man trying to jut out a chin he does not, in fact, have.

‘Very impressive,’ said de Worde. ‘I just hope you live to see it in my paper, sir.’

‘I shall look forward to it with the keenest anticipation,’ said Blouse. ‘And now, Perks, please go along with the sergeant and put these two gentlemen back on their way.’

Otto sidled up to Polly as they walked back to the cart. ‘I need to tell you somezing about your vampire,’ he said.

‘Oh, yes?’

‘You are a friend of his?’ said Otto.

‘Yes,’ said Polly. ‘Is something wrong?’

‘Zere is a problem . . .’

‘He’s got twitchy because he has run out of coffee?’

‘Alas, if only it vas that simple.’ Otto looked awkward. ‘You have to understand that ven a vampire forgoes . . . the b-vord, there is a process that ve call transference? Ve force ourselves to desire something else? For me this vas not painful. I crave the perfection of light and shade. Pictures are my life! But your friend chose . . . coffee. And now he has none.’

‘Oh. I see.’

‘I vunder if you do. It probably seemed so sensible to him. It is a human craving, and no one minds if you say, as it might be, “I am dying for a cup of coffee”, or “I’d kill for a cup of coffee”. But without coffee, he vill, I am afraid . . . revert. You understand, this is very difficult for me to talk about . . .’ Otto trailed off.

‘By revert you mean . . . ?’

‘First vill come mild delusions, I think. A psychic susceptibility to all kinds of influences from who knows vhere, and vampires can hallucinate so stronkly zat zey can be contagious. I zink zat is happening already. He vill become . . . erratic. This may last for several days. And then his conditioning vill break and he vill be, vunce again, a true vampire. No more Mr Nice Coffee Drinker Guy.’

‘Can’t I do anything to help him?’

Otto reverentially laid his picture box in the back of the cart, and turned to her. ‘You can find him some coffee, or . . . you can keep a vooden stake and a big knife ready. You vould be doink him a favour, believe me.’

‘I can’t do that!’

Otto shrugged. ‘Find someone who vill.’

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