Physical: The catastrophe of desire by mari reiza

Author:mari reiza [reiza, mari]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: uploadable
Publisher: mari.reiza
Published: 2017-02-05T00:00:00+00:00

As I started to execute my plan, it was like my old self was back. I had always been good with projects. Some days, I had fantasised more by nine in the morning than most people would in their lifetimes.

I admit that it felt childish. But these thoughts were so much more interesting than my real day-to-day life. Having someone adult, all to yourself, even in your head. Yes that was a start. It was seldom happening anymore, other than in these short bursts of dream. And awakening fresh from battlefield victory. Yes, that was the other thing. It was a conquest. Orso and I had over-conquered each other and it did not feel exciting anymore. I needed to recreate a world where I was still central to breaking situations, and penises, where what I said and did still changed the course of things. Where it mattered that me, and my body, were there, and things happened because of it. When I got all of that sorted out in my mind, then I would move back to Orso.

I also started putting time in my schedule to compile a Having It All book of life. I thought I may as well write my own post-children bible rather than paying for someone else’s inferior dribble. There was so much filthy propaganda out there. This would be a spin-off of my main plan to build back desire; the two projects went side by side. I asked the babysitter for an extra hour a day (Good, I was letting go, like everyone had asked me to!), and coloured the spreadsheet entries fluorescent green with ME TIME in capital letters. I was shivering with excitement as I did it. I would use the slot to research and write, and once a week to visit my vaginal energy guru on Harley Street. (I’m not joking. The wife of one of our friends had given me some sessions as a birth present. This guru had a huge, whitewashed, ornate room at street level, submerged in pigments of light from pink Goodnight Pineapple lamps strategically scattered around the floor. In the centre of the room stood a triple white rococo bed with antique ivory satin sheets and a virginal tulle canopy. Next to it, there was a wooden bucket full of coloured semi-precious stones. The guru hovered different stones over my naked vagina as I listened to the heels of passers-by. Sometimes, he would shout in pain fighting a supernatural force, and claim that he was facing unrevealed energy barriers.) Anything keeping me away from the twins and helping me focus on myself was good at this stage, I argued.

And the truth is my research took me to places, made me reflect. What did I want? Success, love with good sex, and money. I already had all those things, but the sex which had gone. My mother had said when I was little that money came and went, but you always kept what you had learnt. She never said about sex coming and going, or whether what you had learnt helped you to get it back.

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