Perv by Jesse Bering

Author:Jesse Bering
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Farrar, Straus and Giroux

SIX

A SUITABLE AGE

Wilde: He was about 16 when I knew him.

Prosecutor: Did you ever kiss him?

Wilde: Oh, dear no. He was a peculiarly plain boy. He was, unfortunately, extremely ugly.

—Testimony of Oscar Wilde (April 3, 1895)

Let’s leave the science labs, the courts, and the psychiatrists’ offices for a moment and head over to Las Vegas. Picture yourself walking into a towering casino—into its arcade of electric din and seizure-inducing shimmering lights, past its garish foyer drenched in gold and mirrors, through its aisles of vacant-eyed regulars affixed like barnacles to their stools—and finally coming to stand before an imposing new slot machine. But this is no ordinary slot machine, you quickly surmise. Rather, it’s a sex slot machine. That may sound fun, but the stakes here are massive. First of all, you’re playing for someone else, someone yet to be born. In fact, he’s yet to even be conceived. So although the game isn’t going to affect you directly, a person’s whole life is in your hands with this game. What’s at play is the sexual destiny of this future human being. Basically, if you win big with your spin, you’ll be securing for this individual a sex life of tranquillity, love, family, and acceptance. Lose big on the sex slot machine, however, and this person will have to face a lifetime of society’s never-ending wrath and all that comes with it, including feelings of anxiety, self-hatred, shame, loneliness, and rejection.

Since you won’t personally benefit by winning, it’s free to play. And unlike with most slot machines, the odds are actually in your favor (or rather, in the favor of this unnamed soul you’d be playing for). The catch is you only get one go at it, and you’re feeling pretty squeamish about this strange responsibility. On the other hand, for the child to ever come into this world someone has to pull the lever, and if it’s not you, then the next person who comes along will do it. So you take a deep breath, picture in your head the innocent face of the child on whose behalf you’re playing this devilish game, and reach out to give this one-armed bandit with the mechanical motives a good firm handshake …

Here’s what you know. Like every other slot machine, this one has its own preprogrammed algorithm for randomizing the results. The only difference is that this algorithm involves a mix of factors that, together, will determine the individual’s sexuality: genes, prenatal experiences, brain chemistry, early childhood events, family dynamics, cultural milieu, and an untold number of other inscrutably interacting variables. It’s a complex system that’s impossible to pick apart, let alone gain any control over. Cross your fingers or say your prayers for this kid, but no matter what superstitious rituals you perform while the wheels are spinning, he or she gets what he or she gets.

The rules of the game are clear enough at least. You can see, for instance, that the sex slot machine has four separate windows in its main horizontal row.

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