NSFW by Isabel Kaplan

Author:Isabel Kaplan
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Henry Holt and Co.

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I don’t want to talk about my mother with David, even though I know he would listen. I want to want it, to want him, so badly. Instead, I find myself being short with him, snappy. Frustrated by every little thing he does, every activity he suggests. He spends most of his days alone in his apartment or with the teenagers he tutors. I am his primary social outlet. But by the end of the workday, I am invariably depleted.

I suspect there is something unhealthy about my aversion to his consistent affection. That I would probably be more into him if he were aloof, if he had less room for me in his life. If he forced me to plead my case.

Or maybe there’s another lesson here. I always thought of a stable, secure relationship as a pipe dream, meaning if I ever found one, I would need to hold on tight. I thought there was something broken inside me that meant I didn’t and wouldn’t attract love the way other people did. That on some level, the only person who would ever love me truly and completely was my mother.

But if that’s not true, if I am both as lovable and as broken as most other people in the world, maybe that means I have the ability to choose, not just to be chosen. Maybe I can and should feel capable of holding out for someone whom I love too.

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