No by David Walsh Ph.D

Author:David Walsh, Ph.D.
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Atria Books

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What do I want to change?

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NINE

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The Teenage Years

Loosen but Don’t Let Go

Knowing how and when to say no during the teenage years is difficult. One look at your teenager tells you that these conversations will be different from how they were five years ago. That’s because teens are no longer children. In addition to the physical growth associated with adolescence, teenagers’ thinking and emotions change a lot. They are itching to take on new challenges and expand their horizons. At the same time, they are not yet adults.

Teenagers are a bundle of paradoxes. They are fun, idealistic, energetic, altruistic, and enthusiastic. They are excited about new things and often willing to try new activities. They are curious about the world and eager to interact with new people. But, they are also prone to angry outbursts, defiant acts, foolish risk taking, and inexplicable plunges into despair. One minute you’re having a serious, informed, adult conversation with them and the next minute they turn into fire-breathing dragons just because you asked them to take out the garbage. They can stay out until late at night and then lie about where they have been. One moment you feel connected and comfortable with your teen, and the next you wonder who replaced your child with a demon. You find yourself wondering if the term teenage brain is an oxymoron.

Because teens are neither children nor adults, it can be confusing and scary to think about giving them the independence they crave. It’s not easy to strike the balance between setting critical limits on their behavior and letting them spread their wings. In addition, while it’s easy for us parents to forget, teenagers are often equally confused about what is appropriate and healthy. That’s why the same fifteen-year-old girl who screams at you to get out of her life at 8:00 PM turns around and wants to be tucked in at 10:00.

I’ve always liked teenagers, which is a good thing since they’ve been such a big part of my personal and professional life. My wife, Monica, and I raised three, all of whom survived into adulthood. I often joke that the reason I wrote the book Why Do They Act That Way? A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen was to get revenge on Dan, Brian, and Erin. In addition, I taught and coached in high schools for ten years, was a high school counselor after that, and later specialized in developing and managing counseling programs for teens and families for Fairview Health Services in Minnesota.

While teens are lovable, they can also test our patience and sanity. Many of the parents whom I’ve met at my workshops for parents of teens are struggling to cope with their kids’ behavior. A woman in Maryland wrote me recently thanking me for saving the lives of her two teenage daughters. “I was about ready to kill them,” she wrote. She wasn’t serious, but I also know she’s not alone in her feelings.

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