N is for... (Checklist Book 14) by L DuBois

Author:L DuBois [DuBois, L]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781941641590
Publisher: Farm Boy Press
Published: 2021-04-19T18:30:00+00:00

She was perfect.

No, not perfect. Perfect wasn’t real. No person could be perfect.

What Autumn was, was perfect for him.

He’d never felt so in tune with a submissive before. Somehow he could look at her and he just knew. What she was feeling, what she needed.

And the way that they both were able to slide from a heavy D/s vibe to a lighter, companionable moment and back again was astonishing. In the past, pulling back from that place where he kept his need for control, from his Dom persona, into being just Daniel would disrupt the energy of the scene.

With her it didn’t.

With her he felt…whole. Like he could be wholly himself. And that meant he wanted to tell her about his past.

The overseers knew, due to the club vetting process, and while the shittiest parts of his childhood were readily accessible to anyone willing to google, he didn’t talk about them. He’d accepted his own past, thanks to years of therapy, and he still went every other week, but while his therapist had helped him process his trauma, he hadn’t been totally forthcoming with them about how heavily into D/s he was.

He hadn’t told his therapist, because he knew what they would say. He’d point out that Daniel’s deep need for control was an understandable coping mechanism, given what had happened to him. In other aspects of his life he’d worked on giving up control. On letting other people take charge, even if that gave him anxiety.

The one place he hadn’t tried to adjust his behavior was when it came to BDSM. He didn’t want to be told that the healthiest thing for him would be to walk away from the lifestyle, and he was absolutely certain that would be the primary suggestion.

He couldn’t give up being a Dom, but he had pushed himself to be more of a service top. The best scenes were ones where the submissive got what she needed.

Outside of the club he was in control, but not controlling. He never let his Dom side come out to play, unless he was safely within the Las Palmas gates.

Earlier he’d thought about asking her out. Romantic thoughts fueled by moonlight, tied in with the desire to help her, even rescue her from her own demons.

What he was feeling right now was far less romantic. It was something deeper and more complicated.

Their innate compatibility meant something. This connection between them was the reason she was letting him deliberately push her boundaries as a submissive.

Why she’d trusted him with her secrets.

And that was the problem. Because he wanted, for the first time in a very long time, to tell someone about his past. He wanted to sit beside her in the dark and let the words flow.

But doing that would break this connection. She would see him differently, and he wasn’t sure he could bear that.

She’d realize that he was a monster.

If she knew why he needed this, connected his past with his sadistic sexual tendencies, she’d walk away. If she did, there would be no getting her back.

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